Perhaps nowhere does storytelling so totally reverse reality as when it deals with pirates. It’s difficult not to like swashbuckling rogues tweaking the noses of the uptight British ninnies as they ply their brave way across the wild, lusty seas.
Of course, actual pirates were about as romantic as the tortures they would inflict on prisoners, including holding lighted matches to the victim’s eyes or keel-hauling, where a sailor had a rope tied to each arm and thrown off the bow of a ship. The unfortunate was then dragged along the length of ship, scraping against the sharp barnacles and probably drowning.
Fun fact: “Avast!” means “Stop!” or “Stand still!” not “Hello, fellow pirate!”

21. Corsair by Chris Bunch – 2001

Swashbuckling captain Gareth Radnor has taken command of the Steadfast. But the young captain intends more than seeking his fortune. He wants vengeance against the Linyati slavers who murdered his family. Crewed by a motley band of adventurers, his carrack plunges through the salty waves, striking at the Linyati wherever it can.
And then he discovers something more compelling even than revenge: The Linyati aren’t human…

“Hard edged, salty… a fantasy adventure that will keep you up at night reading.”
—Terry Brooks, author of the Shannara series

20. The Mark of Ran by Paul Kearne – 2004

Book 1 of 2 in The Sea Beggars Series
In a world abandoned by its Creator, an ancient race once existed, with powers so extensive that they were seen as both angles and demons. Rol Cortishane was raised in a remote fishing village, ignorant that the blood of this long-forgotten race runs in his veins. Driven from home, Rol is trained in the assassin’s craft and tutored by the beautiful but troubled Rowen. Now they’ve set their sights across the sea in search of the Hidden City and an adventure that will make them legends, if it doesn’t kill them first.
In the non-fantasy world, the Sea Beggars (the name of this series) really existed. They were a confederacy of Dutch nobles, who, from 1566, opposed Spanish rule in the Netherlands. They arrived in large numbers to complain to the king, but some wit told the ruling Spanish regent not to worry, for the large group was “only beggars.” The angry group of nobles did not forget the appellation and henceforth called themselves the Beggars. The most successful Beggars operated at sea (i.e., were pirates) and were known as the Sea Beggars.

19. Of Shadow and Sea by Will Wight – 2015

Book 1 of 2 in The Elder Empire Series
The Guild of Navigators (i.e., swindlers and pirates) has been paid a fortune to secure the Heart, a cursed artifact that will give wild power to its bearer. The Guild’s only lord is greed, their only loyalty to gold, and they would sell the Empire’s freedom for the promise of a quick coin.
Author Will Wight is well regarded for his likable characters and irreverent tone. Most epic fantasies tend to be high-minded and serious, but Wight has a decidedly more down-to-earth approach.

18. Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton – 2009

I’m not a giant Michael Crichton fan. Generally, I think his ideas and research are more interesting than the actual books he creates. This one’s fun, though.
This book was unknown until after Crichton’s death—his assistant found it on a computer. However, there’s evidence Crichton was working on it, on and off, since the 1970s.
Pirate Latitudes is a caper novel set in the high seas with a strong regard to the reality of the times. Because of this, it probably doesn’t belong in a fantasy list like this one. However, it’s a damn fine pirate tale, and that’s good enough for me.
The Historical Novel Society notes: “Crichton’s portrayal of Port Royal and its inhabitants is far more grounded in reality than Disney’s portrayal. Crichton does not gloss over the slavery, addiction and brutality of colonial Jamaica, nor does he endow his characters with abilities beyond their training or station in life.”
So don’t expect Jack Sparrow.

17. The Fox by Sherwood Smith – 2007

Book 2 of 4 in the Inda Series
You might want to read the first book in the series, Inda, before diving into this one.
Young prince and military genius Inda, forced to turn mercenary after conspirators engineered his exile from Choraed Elgaer, is gathering allies for a sea campaign against the piratical Brotherhood. But Inda’s attention soon shifts toward the ambitious Venn Empire, which wants to use him as a political pawn.
The hardcover version of this book is significantly cheaper than the paperback. Go figure.

“[L]ively… spare yet complex characterizations and a narrative that balances sweeping action and uneasy intimacy.”
—Publishers Weekly

16. Retribution Falls by Chris Wooding – 2011

Book 1 of 3 in the Tales of the Ketty Jay Series
This is magical steampunk, so it’s a little nuts. I mean that as a compliment.
Sky piracy is a bit out of Darian Frey’s league. Fate has not been kind to the captain of the airship Ketty Jay—or his motley crew. They are all running from something. Crake is a daemonist in hiding, traveling with an armored golem and burdened by guilt. Jez is the new navigator, desperate to keep her secret from the rest of the crew. Malvery is a disgraced doctor, drinking himself to death. So when an opportunity arises to steal a chest of gems from a vulnerable airship, Frey can’t pass it up. It’s an easy take—and the payoff will finally make him a rich man.
But when the attack goes horribly wrong, Frey suddenly finds himself the most wanted man in Vardia, trailed by bounty hunters, the elite Century Knights, and the dread queen of the skies, Trinica Dracken. Frey realizes that they’ve been set up to take a fall but doesn’t know the endgame. And the ultimate answer for captain and crew may lie in the legendary hidden pirate town of Retribution Falls. That’s if they can get there without getting blown out of the sky.

“Beautifully crafted prose and some remarkably imaginative scenes…and Wooding’s sprawling, multifaceted world and rough-and-tumble action will delight steampunk fans.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

15. The King’s Buccaneer by Raymond E. Feist – 1992

Book 5 of the Riftwar Cycle
Long recovered from the ravages of the Riftwar, the land and people of the kingdom of the Isles thrive. Nicholas, the youngest son of Prince Arutha, is intelligent and gifted but vastly inexperienced. In hopes of hardening him, his father sends him and his irreverent squire, Harry, to live at rustic Castle Crydee to learn of life beyond the halls of privilege. But within weeks of Nicholas and Harry’s arrival, Crydee is viciously attacked by unknown assailants, resulting in murder, massive destruction, and the abduction of two young noblewomen. The raiders have come from a pirate haven and are no ordinary foe, while an enemy connected to dark magical forces threaten the lands Nicholas will someday rule—if he survives.

“Feist once again delivers a superior, rousing adventure.”
—Publishers Weekly

14. The Pyrates by George MacDonald Fraser – 1983

The Pyrates is satire, send-up, and love-letter to what swashbucklers have become. It’s a Naked Gun take on Errol Flynn pirates. If you don’t know what “Naked Gun” or “Errol Flynn” is then I envy you because you’re about to discover some great stuff.

13. Isle of Swords by Wayne Thomas Batson – 2008

Book 1 of 3 in the Isle Chronicles
Captain Declan Ross searched for riches that will free him and his headstrong daughter, Anne, from the piracy business forever. Bartholomew Thorne, an infamously ruthless pirate, seeks to destroy Ross and any who stand in his way of the legendary treasure hidden by a mysterious order of monks.
Despite featuring a scene where a monk gets skinned alive, this book won a “Mom’s Choice Award” for family-friendly entertainment. Depends on the family, I guess.

12. Red Seas Under Red Skies by Scott Lynch – 2007

Book 2 of 3 in the Gentlemen Bastards Series
Initially poised to rob the Sinspire, the notoriously thief-proof casino where the penalty for cheating is death, Locke and his partner, Jean, are unwillingly sidetracked into joining and then leading a pirate crew, swindling their way across the sea as they had previously done on land.

“[C]harming, unpredictable and fast on its feet and stands surprisingly well on its own given its convoluted plot.”
—Publishers Weekly

11. Pirate Freedom by Gene Wolfe – 2007

Fresh from the monastery, the former novice finds himself inexplicably transported back to the Golden Age of Piracy, where an unexpected new life awaits him. At first, he resists joining the notorious Brethren of the Coast, but he soon embraces the life of a buccaneer, even as he succumbs to the seductive charms of a beautiful and enigmatic señorita. As the captain of his own possibly cursed ship, he plunders the West Indies in search of Spanish gold. From the stormy waters of the Caribbean to steamy tropical jungles, Captain Chris finds danger, passion, adventure, and treachery as he hoists the black flag and sets sail for the Spanish mainland.
Where he will finally come to port only God knows…

“Wolfe…[fills] his story with duels, treachery, ship-to-ship combat and an abundance of accurate period detail.”
—Publishers Weekly

10. The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick – 2008

Book 1 of 4 in the Cathrand Voyage Series
Six hundred years old, the Imperial merchant ship Chathrand is a massive floating outpost of the Empire of Arqual. And it is on its most vital mission yet: to deliver a young woman whose marriage will seal the peace between Arqual and its mortal enemy, the Mzithrin Empire. But Thasha, the young noblewoman in question, may be bringing her swords to the altar.
For the ship’s true mission is not peace but war—a war that threatens to rekindle an ancient power long thought lost. As the Chathrand navigates treacherous waters, Thasha must seek unlikely allies—including a magic-cursed deckhand, a stowaway tribe of foot-high warriors, and a singularly heroic rat—and enter a treacherous web of intrigue to uncover the secret of the legendary Red Wolf.

“Insane god-kings, miniature warriors and sentient animals fight over a powerful ancient artifact in Redick’s dramatic, complex debut… Both adult and young adult readers will find much to enjoy in this tale of sea-faring and bloody diplomacy.”
—Publishers Weekly

9. Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini – 1922

Book 1 of 3 in the Captain Blood Series
This book is a little more subtle than its title would suggest.
Dr. Peter Blood, is an Irish physician who was once a sailor and a soldier. In the aftermath of the Monmouth rebellion, Dr. Blood is arrested for treason. While he did not actually participate in the rebellion, rather he aided a wounded rebel, he is tried and convicted nonetheless. The sentence for treason is death, but King James II has the sentence commuted and instead sells Captain Blood and his fellow rebels into slavery.

“Glorious… I never enjoyed a novel more than Captain Blood.”
—Norman Mailer

8. The Assassin’s Curse by Cassandra Rose Clark – 2012

Book 1 of 2 in The Assassin’s Curse Series
Ananna abandons ship when her parents try to marry her off to an allying pirate clan. She wants to captain her own boat, not serve as second-in-command to her handsome yet clueless fiancé. But her escape has dire consequences when she learns the scorned clan has sent an assassin after her.
And when the assassin Naji finally catches up with her, things get even worse. Ananna inadvertently triggers a nasty curse—with a life-altering result. Now Ananna and Naji are forced to become uneasy allies as they work together to break the curse and return their lives back to normal. Or at least as normal as the lives of a pirate and an assassin can be.

“Clarke’s debut harkens back to the best in fantasy/adventure, offering rock-solid worldbuilding, satisfyingly perilous obstacles and a protagonist whose charismatic ’tude goes way beyond spunk. Ananna’s voice grabs readers from the beginning…and doesn’t let go.”
—Kirkus (starred review)

7. Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb – 1998

Book 1 of 3 in The Liveship Traders Series
Bingtown is a hub of exotic trade and home to a merchant nobility famed for its liveships—rare vessels carved from wizardwood, which ripens magically into sentient awareness. Now the fortunes of one of Bingtown’s oldest families rest on the newly awakened liveship, Vivacia.
For Althea Vestrit, the ship is her rightful legacy. But the fate of Althea and the ship may ultimately lie in the hands of a ruthless buccaneer who plans to seize power over the Pirate Isles by capturing a liveship and bending it to his will.

6. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne – 1870

While his description of this new thing called a “submarine” is fun even for modern readers, it’s the brilliant but tortured Captain Nemo who steals the show as one of, if not the, best pirate in English literature.

5. The Walrus & the Warwolf by Hugh Cook – 1988

Book 4 of 6 in the Chronicles of an Age of Darkness Series
On his 16th birthday, churlish Drake Douay finds himself exiled from his homeland amid a treacherous crew of pirates on the open sea. Through battles with sea monsters, mysterious cults, weird technology of a bygone age, and the warring gangs of two pirate lords, Drake explores a world of dark fantasy and betrayal with his keen wit and a sharp sword—his only protection from an early death.
Readers are usually divided: this is either one of their favorite books, or the long litany of adventures becomes boring after a while.

4. Throne of the Crescent Moon by Saladin Ahmed – 2012

Book 1 in the Crescent Moon Kingdoms Series
A finalist for the Hugo, Nebula, Crawford, Gemmell, and British Fantasy Awards, and the winner of the Locus Award for Best First Novel.
The Crescent Moon Kingdoms, home to djenn and ghuls, holy warriors and heretics, are at the boiling point of a power struggle between the iron-fisted Khalif and the mysterious master thief known as the Falcon Prince. In the midst of this brewing rebellion, a series of brutal supernatural murders strikes at the heart of the Kingdoms. But these killings are only the earliest signs of a plot for the Throne of the Crescent Moon that threatens to turn the great city of Dhamsawwaat, and the world itself, into a blood-soaked ruin.

“Ahmed’s debut masterfully paints a world both bright and terrible.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

3. Mad Kestrel by Misty Massey – 2008

In a world where infants with magical powers are torn from their parents to be raised by the mysterious and powerful Danisoba, who have a monopoly on magic, Kestrel has managed to keep her abilities concealed—and herself free. First hiding in back alleys as a street urchin, she hid when they killed her parents, and then served as a young tavern maid before escaping to sea, where magic is cancelled by water.
Now an adult, and the quartermaster of a pirate ship, Kestrel loves the freedom of living on the seas. But her way of life could end if anyone on board learns her closely guarded secret—that she has magical control over the wind.
One day a black ship appears, and her life changes. Its captain is a handsome rogue of whom Kestrel is strangely, constantly aware. When Kestrel’s captain is led into a trap and is arrested, she gathers her crew and sets sail in relentless pursuit…

“This rollicking debut combines swashbuckling sea adventure, fantasy and romance with great success.”
—Publishers Weekly

2. Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie – 1904

Sure, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are great, but it’s the enmity of the pirate Captain Hook that makes this story exciting.

1. On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers – 1987

This is the inspiration of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but it’s different in many ways and stands well on its own.
Puppeteer John Chandagnac, bound for Jamaica to recover stolen money from his uncle, becomes Jack Shandy after pirates attack his ship and force him to join their crew. Shandy’s struggle to accept his new life grounds the story for readers, even as Blackbeard and vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits.

“Powers writes action and adventure that Indiana Jones could only dream of.”
—Washington Post

Blog link.

Other Reviews
As some of you may know, I’m publishing a series of reviews covering modern Doctor Who, these are stories I’ve watched many times before and where I know every plot twist. Watching Spyfall is a totally different experience because I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen. So, this is my review based upon my first watch.
Sometimes a title tells you exactly what to expect from a story and Spyfall, obviously taken from the 23rd James Bond film, Skyfall, is a case in point. The espionage theme is played up with a globe-trotting opening featuring camouflaged creatures emerging from walls to attack some spies.
After the opening music, we arrive back home in Sheffield to catch up with the “Fam”. One of my favourite parts of series 11 was the domestic scenes at the start of Arachnids in the UK, and I thought the similar moments in Spyfall were cleverly done because it reminded more casual viewers of character background such as Yaz’s police career and Graham’s health problems. One thing that did annoy me is that Ryan’s dyspraxia seems to have been forgotten again, I know it wouldn’t stop him playing basketball but my reading of the scene is that he must be a talented player because his coach misses him enough to remember every reason he missed a game!
The Fam and the Doctor are kidnapped by ‘men in black’ and taken to MI6, I thought the scene in the car was awesome; I loved the Doctor’s ‘private’ conversation with her friends as their captor is in the driving seat next to her. Evil Sat Nav was very well done as a laser beam kills the driver, and the car is reversed into oncoming traffic, I was very pleased with myself that I thought of using the mirror at the same time as the Doctor! When they eventually reach London, the head of MI6 (‘C’) is only Stephen Fry!!!
Casting is an interesting thing, reading the comments on Gallifrey, most people liked his performance, but I think he’s reached that level of celebrity where he’s pretty much Stephen Fry in everything he appears in. There was a strange decision made in Resolution to close down UNIT and in Spyfall it’s mentioned that Torchwood no longer exists either, I know MI6 fits with the whole ‘spy’ theme, but it would have got a lot more fan love if it had been either of these other organisations. After giving the gang a bunch of secret agent hardware and details on the main suspect, C is assassinated and camouflaged creatures appear from the walls forcing the gang to flee in the TARDIS.
Nothing has changed my opinion that three companions are too many for the series structure, because giving them something to do means the Doctor takes the unlikely step of sending Ryan and Yaz to infiltrate the headquarters of Daniel Barton, the Jeff Bezos/Mark Zuckerberg/Elon Musk figure at the heart of the plot. While they do this, the Doctor and Graham go to visit an old friend in the Australian Outback, I don’t know if anyone else thought the secret agent was going to be an old friend, but when we saw the back of O’s head I thought it was Captain Jack for about 2 seconds!
I really liked Sacha Dhawan’s O, there was something of the likeable geek about him, but unfortunately, he also illustrates one of the problems with the presentation of the Doctor. In The Age of Steel, the Tenth Doctor is talking to the creator of the Cybermen and says “I’d call you a genius, except I’m in the room” and this illustrates my view of the Doctor; she should be the cleverest person in any scene, she won’t show off her knowledge like Hermione Granger, but if there’s a problem, she should invariably be the person who solves it. When O’s home comes under attack from creatures made of light, the Doctor seems to stand around helplessly when the agent activates a defensive shield, the Doctor’s main contribution is to use her sonic to drop a physical cage around the intruder.
I really like the concept of the creatures, they seem to possess the “perfect hiding” referred to in Listen, and the way they create themselves out of the surface they use to camouflage themselves makes them visually distinctive. In their light form, they did remind me of Cyber-ghosts from Army of Ghosts, but in terms of outline, I thought there was something of Omega from Arc of Infinity (please no!).
Yaz and Ryan manage to pass themselves off as journalists and get to interview Daniel Barton; there’s something about Yaz’s character that means she fades into the background when all the group are together and it was good to see her channelling Sarah Jane Smith when questioning Barton. If a career in the Police doesn’t pan out, journalism is definitely an option as she quizzes the head of VOR on some of his companies’ working practices. Like Stephen Fry, Sir Lenny Henry is incredibly famous in Britain, but I don’t think he has quite the same public persona. Also, his comedy and acting career has been built on playing a range of different characters – see series three of Broadchurch, which meant I was able to focus more on his performance.
Some of Ryan’s and Yaz’s spy gadgets enable them to scan Barton’s DNA and to copy his security pass and they use this to return to his office at night. They see Barton meeting the light creatures and one of these attacks Yaz, sending her into a strange realm, before she appears in Australia in the cage where O and the Doctor had trapped another light creature. I thought this was quite a dynamic way to link events between the two locations. Based upon the information Yaz and Ryan have gathered, the gang and O crash Daniel Barton’s birthday party.
The party sequence is pretty dreadful on a number of levels; let’s start with the music – a James Bond pastiche which is just too obvious, then all the characters attend the party in James Bond style tuxedos – it’s like they know they’re appearing in a Bond parody. Their mission is to find and question Barton but, because this is their one chance to get all the Bond clichés in, they have to play casino games. The moment where the Doctor is playing Blackjack and shouts out “snap” was on a par with the “I suppose we’ll have to have a conversation” line in Resolution. When the Doctor finally tracks down Barton, he dances rings around her in their conversation, leaving her staring after him as he leaves, driving away from the party in his car.
When Yaz was interviewing Barton earlier, she mentioned his collection of motorbikes – a collection that he’s so casual about that he leaves them right outside the front door of his house. The gang steal the bikes and chase after Barton. I liked the car stunt at the start, but the bike chase isn’t great, partly because the series hasn’t got the money a sequence like this would demand, but also because of the reactions of the characters. Barton pulls out a gun and starts shooting at his pursuers, many bullets hit the bikes but none of the characters react like they would in real life by pulling out of the chase, instead they all stay hot on Barton’s tale like they know they’re in a Bond film and won’t actually be shot.
The gang pursue Barton to an airport, where he boards a plane and the Doctor uses her sonic to open the baggage section and they chase the moving plane to smuggle themselves on board.
Yaz’s DNA scanner revealed that Barton was 93% human and they have a discussion about how Barton could not possibly be an alien because he’s got an established history, I bristled at this, thinking back to Harold Saxon in The Sound of Drums, but then O reveals that he is the “Spy-MASTER!” This is an OMG moment, but actually it’s done more for the cliffhanger than because it’s justified by what we’ve seen on screen. O struggles when running after the plane telling the Doctor that he’s a terrible runner, but she’s read his biography so she knows this isn’t true. Think back to Utopia, where all the plot threads come together at the same time to reveal that Professor Yana is the Master – this isn’t in the same league.
As soon as O unveils his true identity, he switches to full on villain mode, even going as far as to pull out a match box containing the real version of his persona that he shrunk with his Tissue Compression Eliminator. I thought the effect was dreadful, looking worse than the Auntie Vanessa doll in Logopolis. It’s strange, but the only convincing TCE corpse is in the first Master story 1971’s Terror of the Autons.
Events start to speed up, Barton is not on the plane and instead his seat is occupied by a “cockpit bomb.” The Doctor tries to use her sonic to diffuse this, but of course the Master has thought of this, so the Doctor pretty much stands there and stares at the bomb. I get that the Doctor can’t solve every problem but Chibnall needs to make her more proactive – she could be snipping wires or trying to detach the bomb to throw it out of the plane – instead all she does is shut the cabin doors. The Master tells the Doctor “Everything that you think you know is a lie” and teleports away. A light creature takes the Doctor to the realm visited by Yaz earlier, leaving her companions on the plane and the end music screams in – using the old-style sting effect.
I haven’t loved a TV Doctor Who episode since World Enough and Time, and I really wanted to love Spyfall; it looks fantastic, the monsters are cool, it’s got the shock return of the Master, but it’s somehow less than the sum of its parts and I think that’s because of the writing. I don’t remember laughing at any jokes and I can’t remember any quotable lines. As a series opener, it’s reasonably competent and the cliffhanger sets things up for a story where potentially anything can happen, but I still want more from my favourite show. (6/10)

Part 1 https://www.reddit.com/JackSucksAtLife/comments/ggowsv/the_future_of_jack_part_1/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
May 2021: Multiple live streams stream the battle for supremacy between turd boi420 and JackSucksatlife. In the end turd boi420 ( the better channel ) prevails. Jacksucksatpopuppirate reaches 900k. Jacksucksatroblox hits 1.4 million subs. Snail mispronounces Kai and snails finds it hilarious. Both the original ace and jack Massey welsh hits 1.2 million getting many live streams about this too. Jacksucksatstuff hits 1.2 million. Jack creates a video called creating a play button for my door but it gets demonetized, rumours go around the is found crying Jack responds with " only pussies cry and I'm more of a dog person myself ". Kai posts a picture of a hamburger with his face on it and everyone laughs. Jack also slices a Jaffa Cake in half with a fake lightsaber. On Jacksucksatroblox Jack plays Roblox with Jeb Bush. Jack is said to have a small brain by many of his viewers which makes Jack angry so he slaps a picture of Kai. Editor Kai is still a brush.
June 2021: Turd boi420 hits 2 million subscribers in June even though that's not the only thing Turd boi hits as he also hits the original ace with a chair ending their friendship. Jacksucksatdrinking reaches 300k. LittleJacksucksatlife and Jacksucksatgograohy hits 600k. Samsmellsofapricots hits 500k. Jacks Twitter hits 300k. JackMasseyWelsh hits 200k and so does Ejsafc. Jack opens up his PO box again and gets sent things like a gæ rhombus, an Eggplant with Will Smiths face on it and a big picture of Kai. Jack does his weekly Q&As again for a month and his Q&As are collectively called Ight Imma head Out, STOP WILL SMITH, Funnei memes, How 9/11 REALLY went down and Jacksucksatlife: The movie. Jack is hit with an eggplant on the street as well. On Jacksucksatstuff Jack gives himself the nickname the sexy boi. Jack also slaps 100 ( actually 10 Jack just did clickbait ) Youtubers. Meanwhile, Jack finally deletes after 2 years Deleting This video soon. Editor Kai is still a brush but now has 400k subs.
July 2021: The Original Ace comes back from the hospital and immediately calls out turd boi420. Turd boi420 responds with doing the original ace review. Jack is gone for most of the month on holiday to Germany and has a particularly LOVELY time. Before he goes he does open up his PO box and he finds a picture of himself smacking Flossy, a kazoo with the words slightly taller as a female boy rather than a female girl and a skirt once worn by The Rock. The rest of the month the channel is taken over by Kai making the views skyrocket. Kai does many videos like paying people on Fiverr to become my girlfriend, Hahahahaha funny meme guys and AUSTRALIA IS NOT REAL! Editor Kai is still a brush.
August 2021: Jack returns from Germany and starts busting out loads of content. Jack resurrects Editor Thomas only for Thomas to die a week later which brings Jack to the conclusion " if you try to resurrect someone they'll just die a week later " -Jack Massey Welsh 2021. In Jacks PO box he receives a picture of Barack Obama with the words we're always watching you on it, a pigeon mask with eggplant colours on it and some Mexician maracas. The turd boi420 vs original ace drama heats up getting more personal. Look what's outside door window is the new highly unfunny meme on JackSucksAtLife. Littlejacksucksatlife and Jacksucksatgeography hits 700k. Jacksucksatpopuppirate hits 1 million subscribers. Jacksucksatroblox hits 1.5 million subs. Turd boi420 makes a life review. Jack explains to Mini Muka the reason he has more subs is because he simply has bigger p*nis. Editor Kai is still a brush.
September 2021: Turd boi420 sends a letter to Jacks house as a recruitment to stop the original ace, Jack declines so turd boi420 comes over to Jacks house and slaps him saying that the tables have turned so that Jack slaps his table in fear of it working for turd boi420. In Jacks PO box he receives a flag of North Korea, A picture of Wallace looking for cheese ( he's not dabbing )and A sack of air. Jacksucksatstuff, The Original ace and Jack Massey Welsh all get 1.4 million subs. Jack Instagram hits 300k. After finally reaching 50,000 likes on that one video Jack FINALLY releases I got 99 problems but a hoe ain't one in collaboration with Kai. On JackSucksAtRoblox Jack does a video where he gambles in the Roblox casino and his channel gets a strike for it not being family-friendly enough Jack replies with " Its a Roblox channel how can it not be family-friendly?". Jack does a collaboration with the Kai camel. Editor Kai is still a brush but now has 500k subs.
October 2021: The turd boi420 vs the original ace war continues as things heat up with the original ace diss track being made. Soon after that, the original ace vs turd boi420 boxing match is announced. Meanwhile in JackSucksAtLifes PO box he gets a kazoo with a minion on it, a mantlepiece with its everyday bro with the Disney channel flow and a miniature Donald Trump-wall. The virgin ace hits 1.5 million subscribers. LittleJackSucksAtLife and JackSucksAtGeography hit 800k. Jacksucksatdrinking hits 400k. Turd boi420 creates a new channel called turdboi gaming. A few days before one of his viewers is getting married so Jack kisses them on the cheek saying nO lOnG tErM dAmAgE. On the JackSuckAtRoblox channel Jack cheats in Roblox causing him to be IP banned from Roblox and the words Jack, JackSucksAtLife, JesusSwag4Dan and JacksucksAtRoblox are all censored on Roblox. Editor Kai is still a brush.
November 2021: The undercard of the turd boi420 vs original ace boxing match is announced, it is Kong vs Flossy, Will Smith vs Little Jack, Croatia vs Serbia, Ronald McDonald vs Colonel Sanders, Kai camel vs Augustus, Anakin vs Obi-Wan and Jacksepticeye vs Jacksfilms. In Jacks PO box he gets Star Wars s*xual fanfic, dabbing Luigi and the loss meme but with Will Smith. Turd boigaming hits 100k. Samsmellsofapricots and ejsafc both hit 600k. Topless Jack is created on the Jack Massey Welsh channel. Jack is harassed by a commenter so he controversially calls him a pee-pee head who does not deserve his milk. Jack reacts to Shrek Is love, Shrek is life and immediately gets prepared in case Shrek drops by. Jack is shown a dabbing kazoo and harrases his fans saying that all he cares about is the money and he isn't supposed to care about all the stupid peasants around. Editor Kai is still a brush.
December 2021: The original ace vs turd boi420 boxing match is decided that turd boi420 wins, on the undercard Kong beats Flossy, Will Smith defeats Little Jack, Croatia vs Serbia results in a draw, Ronald Mcdonald Mc defeated by Colonel Sanders, Kai Camel defeats Augustus, Obi-Wan defeats Anakin and Jacksfilms vs Jacksepticeye is won by Jack Doherty. In Jacks PO box he has a picture of turd boi420 beating the original ace in a boxing match with you suck on it, a paper kazoo and one of Editor Kai's old toothbrushes. After harassing Roblox for long enough Jacks account is unbanned. Little Jacksucksatlife and Jacksucksatgeography hit 1 million. Jacks Twitter hits 400k, Samsmelsofapricots hits 600k. Ejsafc and JackMasseyWelsh hits 300k. The Slightly Taller as a female boy rather than a female girl remix is created and gets plenty of views. Jack gets hit with a swirly and LOVELY face at the same time making the video unavailable in all countries that aren't Russian. Editor Kai is still a brush but now has 600k subs.
January 2022: Because of the picture turd boi420 sent him last month in his PO box Jack starts beef with turdboi, lighting a picture of turd boi420. In Jacks PO box he gets a chair with the turd boi420 logo on it, a turd boi420 lamp and a big pair of boobs, jugs, bambzookas, wongs, wah-wahs and zingers. Turd boigaming hits 200k. Jacksucksatdrinking hits 500k subs. Jacksucksatroblox hits 1.6 million subs. Jack reaches 2.2 million subs. Indian Jack is now the most unfunny meme on JackSucksAtLife just above a video of a pigeon eating an eggplant. Jack signs back up for Fiverr but tells people and he's said stuff like "I stupid Kai smart" "turrrrrdboiiiiiiiiiii" and the classic "Hello is this quality content?" " no this is JackSucksatLife". For this month Jack is sponsored by the greatest game known to man raid: shadow legends, one of the biggest mobile role-playing games of 2019 and it's totally free! Currently almost 10 million users have joined Raid over the last six months, and it's one of the most impressive games in its class with detailed models, environments and smooth 60 frames per second animations! All the champions in the game can be customized with unique gear that changes your strategic buffs and abilities! The dungeon bosses have some ridiculous skills of their own and figuring out the perfect party and strategy to overtake them's a lot of fun! Currently with over 300,000 reviews, Raid has almost a perfect score on the Play Store! The community is growing fast and the highly anticipated new faction wars feature is now live, you might even find my squad out there in the arena! It's easier to start now than ever with rates program for new players you get a new daily login reward for the first 90 days that you play in the game! So what are you waiting for? Go to the video description, click on the special links and you'll get 50,000 silver and a free epic champion as part of the new player program to start your journey! Good luck and I'll see you there! Editor Kai is still a brush
February 2022: Turd boi420 decides to steal Kais 100k plaque which makes both Jack and Kai mad. In Jacks PO box he gets a tape with a video of a person unsubscribing from him and subbing to turd boi420, A group of people dabbing and a lamp. Jacksucksatpopuppirate hits 1.2 million subs. Jacks Twitter hits 400k. Jacksucksatstuff hits 1.5 million subs. Jack creates the sequel to I HATE VILLAGERS by creating I HATE VILLAGERS EVEN MORE ARGHGGHGGHH. Since his sponsorship with Raid: Shadow Legends ends Jack does a video exposing and roasting the game. In response Raid: Shadow Legends bans any person subscribed to Samsmellsofapricots, JackMasseyWelsh, ejsafc, JackSucksatLife, Jacksucksatstuff, Jack Massey Welsh, JackSucksatgeography, Jacksucksatpopuppirate, Jacksuckaagroblox, littlejacksucksatlife or jacksucksatdrinking. Jacks fans create the nickname Jack the big boi Jack tells them to stop and then we do it some more. Jack creates Jacksucksattwerking instantly getting 200k. Editor Kai is still a brush.
March 2022: Turd boi420 vs Jack Massey Welsh vs Kai Ross-Best for Kais 100k plaque is scheduled in CoolMathsgames. In Jacks PO box he gets A turd boi420 vs Kai vs jack massey welsh scarf, a piece of LOVELY fanart and underpants that Jack pooped in once. JackSucksatDrinking hits 600k subs. Jack reaches 2.5 million subs. Turd boigaming hits 300k subs. LittleJackSucksAtLife and JackSucksatGeography hits 1.2 million subs. Jacksucksattweking reaches 300k subs. Jack and his fans raid raid: shadow legends and manage to shut the servers down for 6 hours and get #MakeMobileGamingGreatAgain 3rd trending in the US. Editor Kai does a video with his doppelganger and it gets 2 million views. Jack does the video addressing the mean comment from Captain Sparklez in his last video. Jack say that turd boi be die after cool math game ( unliterally ). Editor Kai is still a brush but now has 700k subs.
April 2022: Turd boi420 vs Kai vs Jack in Coolmathgames is won by Kai. After that both Jack and Turd boi420 are mad so they both go to Kais house and slap him at the same time. In Jacks PO box he receives a poem from Kai about him winning back his 100k playbutton, fish food and a book full of dank memes. Little JackSucksatLife hits 1.5 million subs. Jacks Instragram hits 400k. JacksucksatRoblox hits 2 million 1subs. Turd boi420 hits 3 million subs. Turd boi420 reveals he is actually JackSucksatLife it is later revealed as an April fools by turdboi the great prankster. After the recent backlash Raid: Shadow Legends is confirmed to be shutting down at the end of May. Ali-A calls out Jack for shutting the game down and ruining other people's fun of the game. Jack responds with saying Ali-A suck moster d**k. FBE releases the video kids react to JackSucksatLife where they are not very happy with the content. Jack makes a reaction video where he shouts at young people for not liking his content for 12 minutes. Editor Kai is still a brush.

On this post, I will focus on Sony Pictures/Columbia Pictures, the studio people want dead because they own Spider-Man and not Marvel. Besides Spider-Man, this studio is most well known for Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Men in Black, Hancock, 2012, the Daniel Craig 007 Films (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, and Spectre), and Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.
Before we start, I want to say something, and I might get downvoted for this.
People when Paramount Pictures’ 2017 slate critically and commercially flops (every single one of them was rated poorly: Monster Trucks, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, Rings, Ghost in the Shell, Baywatch, Transformers: The Last Knight, Mother!, Suburbicon, Daddy’s Home 2, and Downsizing): I hope Paramount Pictures improves as a studio. But hey, with new management, Paramount will turn things around in no time.
People when Sony Pictures’ Venom gets negative reviews from critics: FUCK YOU SONY! STOP MAKING SPIDER-MAN FILMS! PACK YOUR BAGS! SELL THE SPIDER-MAN RIGHTS TO MARVEL! GO ROT IN HELL! YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT! Oh by the way, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse looks great, Sony. I also can’t wait for Spider-Man: Far From Home which is an MCU film (as they forget that Sony has final creative control and distributes the film). Anyways, FUCK YOU, SONY! I WISH YOUR MOVIES WOULD FLOP SO YOU CAN SELL YOUR MOVIE DIVISION! YOU CAN’T MAKE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES ANYMORE! (Screeching Intensifies)
It’s a good time to be a Spider-Man/Sony fan and a bad time to be a Sony hater. I’m not saying Paramount Pictures deserves to get blasted on, but Sony getting blasted constantly is somewhat unjustified to me. Of course, you may not like the direction the Spider-Man franchise had been going with Sony (then again Into the Spider-Verse says hi), but people are judging some films negatively because it’s a Sony film. Or some people just look at the new Spider-Man movies, Ghostbusters (2016), the Emoji Movie, and Venom’s reviews, and say that the whole studio sucks because of that. I’m sure some people have other reasons, but I don’t get how Sony is a reason why a movie is bad. It’s just a film studio. They’ve made bad movies, but so have 20th Century Fox, Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, and Disney. They’ve made good movies too. I’ll show you some down below.
1924-1976: The Beginning and Before the 80s
In 1918, Harry Cohn, Jack Cohn, and Joe Brandt founded Cohn-Brandt-Cohn (CBC) Film Sales. In order to improve the brand name, the company was renamed to Columbia Pictures Corporation on January 10, 1924. Columbia’s films were mostly moderately budgeted comedies, sports films, serials, and cartoons. As time went on Columbia would start making high budget films and join United Artists and Universal Pictures to become the “Little Three” in the Golden Age of Hollywood. Unlike the five major film studios in the Golden Age, RKO Radio Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures, and Warner Bros Pictures, Columbia didn’t own any theaters. However, Columbia’s rise to become a major film studio was due to the ambitious director, Frank Capra, with movies like It Happened One Night, Lost Horizon, and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, which made James Stewart a star. Columbia couldn’t afford to have a large amount of contract stars to the point where they would borrow stars from other studios. MGM would send some of their stars to Columbia to punish them if they weren’t obedient. After Harry Cohn’s death in February 1958, Columbia started to decline with multiple box office failures to the point where they could possibly go bankrupt. Fortunately in 1972, the studio was saved with an drastic overhaul in management and a deal with Warner Bros to share the WB studio lot. Some Columbia hits include Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Strangelove, and Taxi Driver. Notable Columbia Pictures films: Discontented Husbands, It Happened One Night, Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Strangelove, and Taxi Driver
1977-1983: Close Encounters of the Third Kind Era
On November 1977, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a sci-fi film directed by Steven Spielberg, became a major success for Columbia Pictures and was their highest grossing film at the time (making $307M worldwide). In 1982, Columbia Pictures was bought out by Coca-Cola, the company behind the soda. Tri-Star Pictures was also created around this time, while Columbia expanded its television franchise. Major hits for the studio include Kramer vs. Kramer, The Blue Lagoon, Stripes, Stir Crazy, Tootsie, and The Big Chill. Notable Columbia Pictures films: Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Kramer vs. Kramer, Stripes, Stir Crazy, and Tootsie
Notable Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Krull
1984-1989: Ghostbusters/The Karate Kid/Rambo Era
On June 1984, two Columbia Pictures movies would be the biggest movies and the most well known films in Columbia’s library: Ghostbusters (making $295M worldwide) and The Karate Kid (making $91M in the US). Ghostbusters would receive a sequel in the form of Ghostbusters II, while The Karate Kid would become a trilogy. On the TriStar side, they had received Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III, which would be a major success for the studio. Rambo: First Blood Part II was the highest grossing Columbia/TriStar film in this era, making $300M worldwide. Other hits include Stand By Me, Look Who’s Talking, Peggy Sue Got Married, and When Harry Met Sally… This success would catch the eyes of a fellow Japanese multinational conglomerate that would buy them in 1989. Notable Columbia/Tristar Pictures films: Ghostbusters 1 and 2, The Karate Kid Trilogy, Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III, When Harry Met Sally…, and Look Who’s Talking
Notable Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Ishtar and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
1990-1996: Early Sony Era
On 1989, Sony bought Columbia Pictures for $3.4B. Did Sony buy the best studio at the time? Probably not, but I don’t know if they could’ve bought a different studio (20th Century Fox was owned by News Corporation, Warner Bros was probably too successful to be bought, and Disney would never give in to another corporation). The three studios I could see Sony buying instead of Columbia are MGM/UA, Universal, or Paramount, though I’m leaning towards Paramount more. Imagine complaining about the new Star Trek movie or Transformers movie being ruined by “Sony”. But honestly, this wasn’t a bad buy for Sony as they would keep their film division to this day. In the long term. As for short term, well, something was off. In 1994, Sony took a $2.7B write-off. It seems like it took less time for Sony to make a successful video game console (PlayStation) than it took for Sony to make Columbia Pictures an actual worthy investment. Most of the hits came from TriStar and not from Columbia Pictures with movies like Hook, Basic Instinct, Cliffhanger, Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia, Jumanji, and the highest grossing film for TriStar at the time, Terminator 2: Judgement Day (making $521M worldwide). On the Columbia side of things, the biggest franchise they had was probably City Slickers, but it wasn’t much compared to Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, and Rambo in the 80s. They did have some other hits like Total Recall, Flatliners, Misery, Boyz N the Hood, The Prince of Tides, A League of Their Own, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, A Few Good Men, Groundhog Day, In the Line of Fire, Bad Boys, The Cable Guy, and the highest grossing Columbia Pictures film in this era, Jerry Maguire (making $274M worldwide). Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Total Recall (1990), Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Hook, City Slickers, Basic Instinct, and Jumanji
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Hudson Hawk
1997-2001: Men In Black Era
Fortunately in 1996, Amy Pascal and Chris Lee was brought in to become the president of Columbia and TriStar, respectively. On 1997, Sony Pictures was ranked as the highest grossing film studio in the US, making $1.26B with movies like The Fifth Element, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Air Force One, As Good As It Gets, and the highest grossing Sony film in this era, Men In Black (making $251M in the US and $589M Worldwide). Other hits from Sony in this era include Godzilla, The Mask of Zorro, Stepmom, Big Daddy, Stuart Little, The Patriot, Charlie’s Angels, America’s Sweethearts, and Black Hawk Down. After their success in 1997, they weren’t able to replicate their success and fell behind the other major film studios. In 2000, they were in 7th place behind every major film studio plus Dreamworks SKG, making $682M that year. In 2001, they were in 6th place behind every major film studio, making $729M that year. Fortunately for Sony, they had gotten their hands on the most iconic Marvel superhero with plans to make a live action movie of this character. And this character made a major impact on Sony Pictures. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: The Fifth Element, Men In Black, Air Force One, Stuart Little, and Charlie’s Angels
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Ali and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
2002-2007: Spider-Man Era
While Paramount’s 90th anniversary in 2002 didn’t end well, Columbia Pictures’ 78th anniversary was amazing. Not only was this year the best year since 1997, Sony was able to have the largest market share and make $1.5B in the US, surpassing 1997 with movies like Panic Room, Mr. Deeds, Men In Black II, xXx, Maid in Manhattan, and Sony’s highest grossing film at the time, Spider-Man (making $404M in the US and $822M worldwide) Spider-Man would be the highest grossing Sony film domestically until 2018. In 2004, Sony had the largest market share again and made $1.2B in the US with movies like 50 First Dates, White Chicks, The Grudge, Christmas with the Kranks, and of course, Spider-Man 2. In 2005, Sony led a consortium that purchased MGM, giving Sony the distribution rights to the James Bond franchise. In 2006, Sony would have the largest market share for the third time this era and made $1.7B in the US, surpassing 2002 with movies like The Da Vinci Code, Click, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Open Season, Casino Royale, and The Pursuit of Happyness, showing that Sony doesn’t need Men In Black or Spider-Man to make $1B in the US. This didn’t happen with the odd-numbered years, as Sony was 2nd in 2003 (making $1.2B that year), 5th place in 2005 (making $918M that year), and 4th place in 2007 (making $1.2B that year, even with the release of Spider-Man 3) Around this time, Sony were able to keep two actors around to make most of their films under Sony: Adam Sandler with Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, and Click and Will Smith with Men in Black II, Bad Boys II, Hitch, and The Pursuit of Happyness. Spider-Man was clearly the biggest franchise for Sony in this era and has been the biggest franchise for Sony since. Sony had other small franchises that were profitable like Resident Evil and Underworld. Other hits from Sony include Daddy Day Care, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, S.W.A.T., Superbad, and Spider-Man 3, which would become the highest grossing Sony film at the time, making $890M worldwide despite mixed reviews. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Spider-Man Trilogy, Men In Black II, Hitch, The Da Vinci Code, and Casino Royale
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Stuart Little 2, Gigli, xXx: State of the Union, Stealth, and Zoom
2008-2012: The James Bond Era
Now with the Spider-Man franchise mostly absent this era besides the Amazing Spider-Man, Sony mostly depended on Adam Sandler, Will Smith, and the James Bond franchise to be successful. I’ve noticed that other than that, Sony doesn’t heavily depend on multiple successful franchises compared to the other major film studios. They actually profited off of many original films in the previous era and this era. James Bond was still going strong with Quantum of Solace and reached to franchise and studio records with Skyfall, becoming James Bond and Sony’s highest grossing film and Sony’s only billion dollar film to this date, making $1.1B worldwide. Adam Sandler had hits with movies under Happy Madison like You Don’t Mess With Zohan, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Grown Ups, Just Go With It, and Zookeeper. Will Smith had hits with movies like Hancock, The Karate Kid (as Producer), and Men In Black 3. They were 5th in 2010 and 3rd in 2008, 2009, and 2011. The only time they had the largest market share this era was in 2012, making $1.8B in the US, surpassing 2006 with movies like The Vow, 21 Jump Street, Men In Black 3, The Amazing Spider-Man, Hotel Transylvania, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. Other hits for Sony include Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, Angels and Demons, District 9, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Zombieland, 2012, Salt, The Other Guys, The Social Network, The Green Hornet, Battle: Los Angeles, The Smurfs, Bad Teacher, Moneyball, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: 007 James Bond (Quantum of Solace and Skyfall), Hancock, 2012, The Karate Kid, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Men In Black 3
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Year One, The Pink Panther 2, How Do You Know, Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy, and Total Recall (2012)
2013-2016: The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony Hack/The Decline Era
After 2012, it seems like Sony was slowly declining. Sony didn’t have a stable franchise, though was still doing better than Paramount. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was supposed to set up a whole cinematic universe on Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man, but underperformed and the sequels were cancelled in favor of a deal struck with Marvel Studios to bring Spider-Man to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Spectre did well as a James Bond film, but was the last James Bond film Sony would be able to distribute. Adam Sandler and Will Smith movies weren’t doing as well as before and pretty much stopped making films for Sony at the end of this era. Ghostbusters was rebooted, but infamously underperformed. They were 4th in 2013 and 2014 and 5th in 2015 and 2016 (making slightly less than $1B in the US), just above Paramount Pictures. Some other hits are This is the End, Grown Ups 2, Elysium, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, 22 Jump Street, The Equalizer, Hotel Transylvania 2, The Angry Birds Movie, Sausage Party, Don’t Breathe, The Magnificent Seven, and Passengers. In late 2016, Sony took a $962M write down, with rumors starting that Sony would sell off their movie division sometime in 2017 if their 2017 lineup didn’t do so well. This most likely wasn’t true, and 2017 fortunately proves the studio’s worth. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, 22 Jump Street, Hotel Transylvania 2, and Spectre
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: After Earth, White House Down, Aloha, Pixels, Grimsby, and Ghostbusters (2016)
2017-Present: Spider-Man/Jumanji Era (Comeback Era?)
In the first half of 2017, it wasn’t looking too good for Sony. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter did fine, especially in China. Life and Rough Night were only modest successes for the studio. Smurfs: The Lost Village was an attempt to reboot the Smurfs but underperformed, making slightly less than $200M. However, things started to turn around with three summer movies: Baby Driver, Spider-Man: Homecoming, and the Emoji Movie. Baby Driver was a surprise success for Sony and for director Edgar Wright. Spider-Man was shared between Marvel and Sony, which led to everyone wanting to see Spider-Man’s first solo film (+Iron Man) with Marvel Studios, making $880M worldwide, just $10M behind Spider-Man 3. The Emoji Movie was made fun of by everyone, even though enough people went to make this film $218M worldwide. The Dark Tower did alright, but probably not enough to warrant a sequel. It seems like Sony did alright, but then December 2017 came. Sony decided to release Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle near Star Wars: The Last Jedi as counter programming (what a moron, am I right? /s). With the movie having a surprisingly strong word of mouth, it topped Star Wars: The Last Jedi in the first few weeks of 2018. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle would later go on to make $405M in the US, surpassing Spider-Man to be the highest grossing Sony film in the US and would make $962M worldwide, just a notch below $1B. I had a feeling that $405M made in the US was what Sony was expecting the movie to make worldwide. In 2018, Sony’s success continued on with hits like Peter Rabbit, Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, The Equalizer 2, and the biggest surprise of 2018 for Sony that isn’t Jumanji, Venom, making at least $212M in the US and at least $823M worldwide. Sony was also able to keep the budgets low and have low budget films like Sicario: Day of the Soldado, Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween, and Searching make a decent amount of profit. It may seem like Sony is making a comeback, especially with Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse being well received and being at least moderately successful (though only time will tell). Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Baby Driver, Spider-Man Homecoming (and Into the Spider-Verse), Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, and Venom
2019 is next year, and it’s time to look at what Sony has in-store for everyone next year. I’ll try to keep it short (with a basic description of each one if necessary and how well it might do). The numbers I have won’t be accurate, so take it with a grain of salt.
Escape Room - it’s a psychological thriller film directed by Adam Robitel. If it has a low budget, I think this could be moderately successful while adapting the escape room idea into film. I’d say $50M Domestic and $70M Worldwide.
A Dog’s Way Home - it’s a family drama film directed by Charles Martin Smith. I don’t get how A Dog’s Purpose is at Universal while this movie is at Sony. Did Universal not buy the rights to every single A Dog book or what? This will probably make less than A Dog’s Purpose with $50M Domestic and $180M Worldwide. But at least it comes out before A Dog’s Journey, another movie based on the A Dog franchise. A Dog’s Way Home will probably make more than A Dog’s Journey based on this movie coming first.
Miss Bala - it’s an American-Mexican action thriller directed by Catherine Hardwicke and is a remake of the 2011 Mexican film of the same name. I don’t know what to compare this too. There isn’t any numbers on how much the original did either, so I have to make guesses. I’d say $50M Domestic and $100M Worldwide.
Greyhound - it’s a war film directed by Aaron Schneider and starring Tom Hanks in another World War II movie. No footage has been released, but it could make $100M Domestic and $300M Worldwide with the right marketing and a good movie like Saving Private Ryan.
The Intruder - it’s a psychological thriller directed by Deon Taylor. This could do almost as well as Don’t Breathe, but I still don’t get why the former owner of the mansion sold his house (if you see the trailer). $70M Domestic and $100M Worldwide.
The Rosie Project - it’s a film directed by Ben Taylor. Not much is known unless you read the book. Besides Crazy Rich Asians, there hasn’t been much romantic comedies. I guess this can be compared with Overboard (2018), meaning this movie could do $50M Domestic and $70M Worldwide
BrightBurn - it’s a horror film directed by David Yarovesky with James Gunn producing the film. This could break out, even in the late May slot. Then again, not much is known about this film. Maybe $80M Domestic and $120M Worldwide?
Men In Black International - it’s a science fiction action comedy film directed by F. Gary Gray and is a spinoff of the Men in Black trilogy. What makes this a spinoff is that this is a London based team instead of New York. And hey, Chris Hemsworth is another Sony franchise that Sony is trying to make relevant. But I think it could succeed this time, unlike Ghostbusters (2016). I could see this doing at least $160M Domestic, though it could go as high as $240M Domestic with a strong word of mouth, similar to how well Jumanji unexpectedly did. As for Worldwide, I’d say $450M, but it could go as high as $600M.
Grudge - it’s a supernatural psychological horror film directed by Nicolas Pesce and is a remake of The Grudge (2004) which was also a remake based on a Japanese horror film. It probably won’t be as successful as the 2004 remake as this 2019 remake is a similar premise and no one is really demanding it. I could see this doing $100M domestic and $160M worldwide at most.
Spider-Man: Far From Home - it’s a superhero film directed by Jon Watts and is part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I could see this going two ways. One way is that this will make $900M and the domestic total will drop from Homecoming (maybe $320M). However, this could possibly be the second Sony film after Skyfall to gross $1B. The only two obstacles are The Lion King movie which comes out two weeks later (it’s like Disney is trying to prevent Sony from being a major competitor for Disney in the movie industry like how Universal and Warner Bros currently are to Disney while Fox is taken care of and Paramount is trying to pick themselves up) and the plot is pretty much Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation.
Wish Dragon - it’s a 3D computer-animated film from Sony Pictures Animation. Not much is known about this film besides Jackie Chan being involved and it having a Chinese theme. It’s set to release on the same day as Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, but I have a feeling it could be moved to late 2019 or even 2020. Maybe this could make $80M Domestic and $200M Worldwide? I don’t know. I need more footage.
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood - it’s a mystery crime film directed by Quentin Tarantino. I could see this being similar in success to Inglourious Basterds or Django Unchained as this film seems like a wider release with a lot more marketing compared to The Hateful Eight. I could see this doing $150M Domestic and $400M Worldwide at most.
The Angry Birds Movie 2 - it’s a 3D computer-animated action comedy film from Rovio Animation and is the sequel to The Angry Birds Movie. Reception to the first one has been mixed, so I think it could go as low as $90M Domestic and $300M worldwide, or it could go as high as $120M Domestic and $400M worldwide.
Zombieland Too - it’s a post-apocalyptic zombie comedy film directed by Ruben Fleischer and is the sequel to Zombieland. This will be another franchise Ruben Fleischer is working on with Sony besides Venom. I could see this making more than the first one with a $90M Domestic and $120M Worldwide.
You Are My Friend - it’s a drama film directed by Marielle Heller. Not much is known besides the fact that it’s about a journalist who runs into Fred Rogers and has his life changed. Unlike Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, another film about Fred Rogers, this film has Tom Hanks portraying Fred Rogers. With a wide release (if it does get one), I could see this making $40M Domestic.
Charlie’s Angels (2019) - it’s an action comedy film directed by Elizabeth Banks and is a reboot of the Charlie’s Angels franchise. If this film goes the Ghostbusters 2016 route, I could only see this make $70M Domestic and $120M Worldwide. If not (hopefully), I could see this making as much as $140M Domestic and $260M Worldwide.
Masters of the Universe - it’s a He-Man film directed by Aaron and Adam Nee. It’s supposed to come out the same day as Jumanji 3, but I think it could be moved to 2020 (but I’ll still analyze anyways). This is a wildcard and a gamble for Sony. It could go both ways, but I think I need more footage to fully judge. $40M Domestic, $90M Worldwide?
Jumanji 3 - it’s a fantasy adventure comedy film directed by Jake Kasdan and is the sequel to Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, and the movie that made Disney move Jungle Cruise to July 2020. Like Spider-Man: Far From Home, it could go both ways. It could drop from the second, especially if Star Wars: Episode IX gets people to care about Star Wars, by making as much as $380M Domestic and $800M Worldwide. It will still do well as counter-programming, but maybe not as well as Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Another way this could take is that everyone lost hope in Star Wars: Episode IX, and the people who didn’t see Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi and hated it will go see Jumanji 3 instead. It’s possible that Jumanji 3 could be the second after Skyfall or the third after Skyfall and Spider-Man: Far From Home to cross $1B worldwide as a Sony film. This movie could also get a sequel boost with this making as much as $420M domestic, possibly becoming Sony’s highest grossing film domestically and passing Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. I’d say it could go down domestically, but it has the potential to reach $1B worldwide.
Little Women - it’s a drama film directed by Greta Gerwig and is based on the book of the same name. Columbia Pictures did a film based on Little Women back in 1994 and that was a success. I’d say it could go up from here. I’d say $60M Domestic and $80M Worldwide.
Thoughts on the 2019 Slate: Besides not having Ghostbusters, Robert Langdon, or The Karate Kid on their side this year (Well, there’s Cobra Kai, I guess), I think Sony is going all out next year. This is probably one of the best lineups for 2019. There’s Angry Birds, Men in Black, Jumanji, Charlie’s Angels, and Spider-Man on the same year, along with possible smaller hits like Grudge and Little Women. They won’t be going against Paramount anymore, they can now go against Universal, Warner Bros, and possibly Disney.
The Future: Regardless of what happens, I’m sure Columbia Pictures will live to see its 100th anniversary in 2024. Sony Pictures Animation will stay strong with a Peter Rabbit sequel, a Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse sequel, and a spinoff (though I don’t expect the Into the Spider-Verse movies to come out until 2021). Other upcoming Sony Pictures Animation films are The Mitchells vs. the Machines and Vivo. With the success of Venom, the Sony’s Universe of Marvel Characters will continue in 2020 with possibly Morbius and Venom 2. Even with the success of Venom, I doubt Sony would pull Spider-Man out of the biggest franchise ever after Far From Home. Bad Boys is coming back as Bad Boys for Life. Sony is getting more superheroes, this time from Valiant Comics starting with Bloodshot. Sony could start new franchises from video game adaptations like Watch Dogs and Uncharted (with Tom Holland as a young Nathan Drake). It seems like Sony is making a comeback, whether you like it or not.

Part 2 here - Part 3 here - Part 4 here

On Friday at 8pm UK time, Reading and Derby County will kick off the 127^th season of the English second division - also known as the Championship! 24 clubs will compete for 3 promotion spots to the Premier league (2 via automatic promotion and 1 via playoffs) and to avoid the 3 relegation spots to the third tier a.k.a League One.

Its looking like a really tight and competitive season. The league is absolutely full of ambitious player and managerial talent - the more time goes by the more it looks like a Premier League 2. If you want a competitive league with proper English football, that also has the spice of skilful players and forward thinking managers, it really is the place to go.

This is guide written by the fans who have come together on /Championship - an absolutely huge thanks to them. Do check out the sub, we try to keep it a good place to discuss the EFL, away from the rancid gloryhunting shithole that is /soccer (just kidding - I like this place). Lots going on, including a score predictor thread which is running all season.

This guide is in table order with the PL demoted sides first. Only 5 clubs today (because the Swansea one is a fucking novel and I can't fit any more in), the rest will be submitted tomorrow and Friday. Do bare in mind that not all the transfer news will be up to date as these guides were largely written a week ago. Point out to me if there are any clear errors with formatting or spelling.

Championship info, links and media

/Championship's 17/18 player of the season review

Season previews: The Guardian | Sky Sports | The Mirror
EFL focused podcasts: Not the Top 20 | The Totally Football League Show
The 17/18 table - Wolves, Cardiff and Fulham went up. Barnsley, Burton and Sunderland went down. This season West Brom, Swansea and Stoke join from the PL and Wigan, Blackburn and Rotherham join from League 1.
These are the bookies' favourites for promotion (via Oddschecker):

Club	Odds
Stoke	2.75
Middlesbrough	4
West Brom	4
Nottingham Forest	4.5
Leeds	4.75
Swansea	5

And relegation:

Club	Odds
Rotherham	2.2
Bolton	2.25
Ipswich	4.5
Reading	5
QPR	6
Hull	6

How to watch in the UK: Live rights are owned by Sky Sports. They are upping the number of televised matches this season. Reading v Derby on Friday is televised. The weekly highlights show previously on Channel 5 is moving to Quest TV, which apparently is on Freeview.
How to watch abroad: Depends, but in most territories, the iFollow Service is available, which is £110 to watch all a single club's matches. Bargain. I think the clubs that aren't on iFollow have their own similar streaming services.
Check out club Youtube channels - quite a few of them post extended highlights now with their own commentary, including Derby, Norwich, Sheffield Wednesday, Brentford and more. (You may need VPN to watch if you're abroad.)

Swansea City by RafiakaMacakaDirk and my_knob_is_gr8

Location: Swansea, Wales
Nickname: Swans, The Jacks
Major honours: Football League Cup (2013), Championship Play-off Winner (2011), League One Winners (1925, 1949, 2008)
17/18 finishing postion: 18th (Premier League)
Transfermarkt squad value: €115.5 mil NOTE: This number is as of July 22nd, when we still have Mawson (€15 mil), A. Ayew (€15 mil), Bony (€10 mil), Clucas (€8 mil) and Fernandez (€8 mil), who are all pretty much expected to be sold, or loaned out, before the season starts. Without all of these players except Bony (who's injured for a while so it makes it unlikely he'll be sold soon), the squad value would be around €70 mil.
Manager: Graham Potter joined the Swans on 11th June 2018. In 2010, he became head coach of Östersund, who were in the fourth tier of Swedish football. 5 years later, he got the club promoted into the Swedish top flight and in 2017, they won Svenska Cupen which qualified them for the Europa League where they managed to get through the group stage. He’s been applauded for what he did at Östersund and the way he managed to build the club up from nothing. The year after his success in the Europa league he signed a 3 year contract with Swansea.
Potter is well respected by The Swans and after a few years of poor managerial and financial decisions his appointment is seen as a step in the right direction to bringing us back to our old ways of being a well-run club. Potter has been recognised for his "progressive" and "unconventional" coaching methods. At Östersund, he encouraged his players and staff to engage in community activities, such as performing in theatre and music productions which was designed to take them out of their comfort zone. Potter describes his style of football on the pitch as "tactically flexible, attacking, and possession-based". At Östersund, he deployed a flexible 3–5–2 formation centred on ball possession.
Best player(s)/ talisman:With many of our best players being rumoured with a move away what good players that remain at the start of the season is yet to be seen.
Alfie Mawson is probably our standout player. He’s been amazing for us since we got him and was a bargain at about £3m. He’s great in the air and is just an all round tank. Keeping him will be a huge boost for us and should be solid in the championship.
Federico "El Pajaro" Fernandez has also been strong at the back with Alfie. The pair played with each other for the majority of last season and together became a solid unit. We will most likely sell him to reduce wages though.
Jordan Ayew put in a great shift last season and was our top goal scorer. His work rate was immense and was able to drop back and defend when needed. He’s fast, able to beat a man and a decent finisher. Sadly all these players are transfer targets for other clubs and might not even be here at the start of the season. If we can keep a lot of our players we should have a decent season but who knows who'll be left by the end of the window…
Rising star: Swansea’s U23 had a great season last year and with Potter wanting a young and fresh squad, a handful have moved up into the first team.
Our standout youngster, Oliver McBurnie, joined Barnsley on loan in January last season where he went on to win a Championship player of the month award after 6 goals in 8 games and went on to win Barnsley’s Player of the year award. While only 22, he’s struggled to break into our first team but will most likely be our main striker for the coming season. Be on the lookout for his long legs, miniature shinpads and ridiculous sock length! LEGS LEGS LEGS!!!
Connor Roberts performed well at RB last season and adapted quickly to the premier league where he battled Kyle Naughton to be in the starting line up and did great when given the chance. Decent at going forward and professional at the back. Hopefully potter puts him ahead of Naughton.
What happened last season?: What Happened last season?: After our great escape the season before and with Paul Clement at the helm there was optimism that the 17/18 season could be our turning point where we start rebuilding 'The Swansea Way". How wrong we were.
After a disastrous transfer window where we sold Sigurdsson and never replaced him and started panic buying the week before the transfer window closed we were left an obvious hole in our team. We had no creativity in midfield and no one could kick the ball into the box to save their life. And just to rub it in further Renato Sanches turned out to be more disappointing than Bob Bradley. With the team sitting bottom of the table Clement was sacked in late December.
Then along came the wise talking Carlos Carvalhal who managed to rebuild the confidence the team had lost. Our results took a turn for the good, beating Liverpool, Arsenal, Burnley and West Ham consecutively at home. He pulled us out of the relegation zone and things were looking good. However, the good times were quickly followed by the bad times. Our form turned and we didn’t win a single one of our last 9 matches. We were quickly relegated after pitifully losing to both Southampton and Stoke in our last 2 games of the season.
Highlights (Or lowlights):
The pass by Renato Sanches that summed up his and our season
Swansea City 3-1 Arsenal
Summer transfer business (so far): At the end of last season, it was clear we needed several transfers, both in and out. However, this would all depend on the manager we got.
Yan Dhanda (Free, Liverpool): A 19 year-old Midfielder, Yan Dhanda left Liverpool this summer and joined the Swans in a free, before we even hired Graham Potter. At one time one of the most promosing youngsters in Liverpool's Academy, injuries slowed down his progress, and ultimately made him fall behind other players. Citing lack of first-team playing time, Dhanda decided to join us this summer in hopes of getting regular playing time in the senior squad. Through 3 pre-season games, Dhanda has been one of the brighest and most impressive players in the squad, even scoring a game-winning goal and smashing a penalty in a shootout against Genoa. With our current injuries and shenanigans involved in our midfield, Dhanda has a good chance of becoming a starter and hopefully guide our midfield during the season.
Jordi Govea (Free, Real Madrid): Another 19 year-old from Ecuador, Jordi was the first signing under Potter. Not much can be said about the lad, but this is what Real Madrid had as his bio:

Jordi is an Ecuadorian defender who possess three key qualities for a player in his position: he's skilful, is able to go past a player and has a good shot on him. He's left footed and is able to send in good crosses on the run.

With Martin Olsson currently as our starting LB, and Kyle Naughton as the backup, the hope is that Jordi can develop on our U-23 squad and hopefully move up to the senior squad in coming years. Also the only man I've seen do a medical while wearing jeans (https://twitter.com/SwansOfficial/status/1015251916132057089)
Joel Asoro (€2 mil., Sunderland): Yet another 19 year-old, a Swedish winger who has represented his country in the younger levels, he was Potter's first senior signing. With world-class speed, and some impressive skills, Asoro was able to score 3 goals and get 2 assists last season in 26 apperances for Sunderland. While these numbers may seem a bit disappointing, many of these games were sub appearances on a very dysfunctional team. Along with Dhanda, Asoro has been one of the most impressive players during preseason, constantly beating his man with either speed or skills, and whipping in good balls to Legs. At the current rate, Asoro appears to have a good chance of starting on the right wing spot, with Nathan Dyer and Luciano Narsingh backing him up.
Predicted starting XI: NOTE: This is gonna be assuming Mawson, A. Ayew, Clucas, and Fernandez are all sold by the start of the season. If by some reason they end up staying, they are pretty much guaranteed to start. Based on the pre-season games so far, a lineup looking like this would be plausible, with Rodon most likely to be replaced by a CB (possibly Scott McKenna) when we buy one. Our second unit is looking something like this.
Best case scenario: Graham Potter is able to motivate and make sure our senior players (Fer, Carroll, etc.) stay fit, along with our youngsters being able to make an impact as expected, and also we retain Mawson, Fernandez, and Clucas, we can finish in the top 2 and get promoted automatically.
Worst case scenario: Our worst case scenario, and something many of us fear of happening, consists of primarily 3 things. 1. Graham Potter isn't given enough time to build an identity with our squad and is sacked by the midway point of the season by the greedy, dumb American owners. . 2. We end up not replacing the players we sold properly like last summer, therefore having a squad with holes everywhere and no chemistry. 3. Our youngsters such as Asoro, McBurnie, Dhanda and company don't pan out and progress at all, thefore becoming mediocre players. This would all culminate in us looking like Sunderland, and making relegation a probability.
Prediction: Realistically I see us selling Mawson and company in the last days before the season starts and not replacing them properly until later on. Because of this, as well as our current injuries with Fer and Clucas, I can see us initially struggling to build an identity but over time, we will start playing like Potter wants us and finishing the season strongly.
8th place, missing the play-offs by 4 points
What will happen to your closest rivals?: The scum that is known as Cardiff City will break the record for lowest points ever accumulated in a Premier League season, getting 5 points all from draws, and will therefore get relegated with 17 games to spare.

West Bromwich Albion by Joelwba

Location: The Hawthorns, West Bromwich, West Midlands
Nickname: The Baggies, The Throstles
Major honours: 1x League title, 1x League Cup, 5x FA Cup
17/18 finishing postion: 20th in Premier League (relegated)
Transfermarkt squad value: £101.16m
Manager: Darren Moore or Big Dave as he's known to Albion fans. A club icon as a player in the early 2000s, he returned to look after our U23 squad before being promoted to assistant manager by Alan Pardew in January. Following the end of Pardew's horrific reign, Moore took temporary charge with Albion facing inevitable relegation. He led us to wins over Newcastle, Spurs, Man Utd and a draw with Liverpool, somehow taking our futile battle for survival to the final week of the season. Following this he earned the head coach role permanently. Moore is loved among the Albion faithful, largely due to his reputation as a player here. He heavily favours a 4-4-2 formation and at the back end of last season, tended to soak up pressure and play on the counter attack. It will be interesting to see how his approach differs in a league where we are one of the favourites, not fighting to survive (hopefully)
Best player(s)/ talisman: It's an interesting situation for Albion currently. There are plenty of Premier League quality players still in the squad. A lot depends on if they are picked off before the deadline shuts. Chris Brunt is a club stalwart and likely to be reappointed as captain. He is adored by the fans and in my opinion will be an incredible asset in the championship. His set pieces alone will bring 10+ goals to the side. Kieran Gibbs is a high quality player who appears to be set to stay and should make a big difference. Jay Rodriguez, Craig Dawson, Salomon Rondon and Nacer Chadli should all make a big difference in this division IF they stay. In all honesty I expect to lose a few of the above. Sam Johnstone appears to be an astute signing to replace the outgoing Ben Foster.
Rising star: Sam Field he's one of our own! He looked completely at home against some of the top Premier League sides last campaign. A box-to-box midfielder, he's full of energy and looks so comfortable on the ball. I expect him to be a major part of our side this season, having just signed a new long-term deal.
Kyle Edwards is an exciting attacking midfielder who has been impressing in pre-season. He may have a part to play following a loan spell at Exeter last campaign.
Jonathon Leko looked like a potential world-beater when he first came through a couple of years back. A lightning quick winger full of tricks. A loan spell at Bristol City and limited appearances later he seems to be losing his way. Will be an interesting one to watch.
Finally, the enigma that is Olly Burke. After signing with us last summer for £15m, he failed to impress any of the four managers we had over the season. He looks exciting when he comes on, without any end product so far, and was unfairly blamed for a loss at West Ham by Alan 'Coward' Pardew. We all know the talent he's got. Hopefully we can see it this season.
What happened last season?: Let's not talk about it... We finally escaped the stranglehold of Tony Pulis, only to opt for the human joke that is Alan Pardew and duly hurtled towards relegation. Four of our players stole a taxi and then played (and lost) the following weekend.
Pardew was sacked about 3 months too late, and Moore took over, restoring pride with some notable wins over Man Utd and Spurs.
This season we also lost the great Cyrille Regis, and the outpouring of emotion and the coming together of the club during the weeks after his passing was something special.
Summer transfer business (so far): We started by releasing Claudio Yacob, Boaz Myhill and Gareth McAuley. Yacob and McAuley will be greatly missed but it is perhaps the right time for them to go.
Jonny Evans departed for Leicester for a cut-price £3m, Ben Foster left for Watford and James McClean has departed for Stoke City.
Sam Johnstone has been bought in to replace Foster, with Jonathon Bond arriving as backup. Kyle Bartley has joined from Swansea City and it appears that Harvey Barnes will soon be arriving on loan from Leicester.
Finally, James Morrison is currently out of contract but still with the club. His future is uncertain.
I am very happy with Johnstone and Bartley. It has been a quiet window for Albion so far but that is largely a good thing. The squad is packed with Premier League talent and the window is more about keeping hold of them.
There is major interest in Dawson and Rondon, along with interest in Rodriguez, Hegazi and Chadli. If any of the above go, then we would need to replace. Otherwise I would be happy with another striker and another CB.
It is also worth mentioning that every player in the Albion side suffered a 50% wage cut upon relegation which means that we are financially sound despite relegation, but may lead to more big names leaving.
Predicted starting XI: This is my best attempt. It will undoubtedly be 4-4-2. We may see Nyom in at right back and perhaps Barry in for Field.
Obviously about half of this side could leave, so we shall see.
Best case scenario: The bulk of the side remains and the quality in the side shines through as we breeze to automatic promotion.
Worst case scenario: The better players leave or do not put the effort in. Moore cannot transfer his great start into his first full season in management. We become embroiled in a relegation battle
Prediction: It will be somewhere in the middle. I'd like to think we'll go up automatically but I think play-offs are more likely. 6th
What will happen to your closest rivals?: Villa won't go down but will settle into mid-table, despite the recent takeover.
I think Wolves will do well in the PL, although I don't know how long Nuno will last before a big club comes in.

Stoke City by mrmariomaster

Location: Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire
Nickname: The Potters
Stadium: bet365 Stadium, 30,089 seats
Major honours: 1972 League Cup
17/18 finishing position: 19th, Premier League
Squad value: £127.8 million
Manager: Gary Rowett signed from Derby in May. His honest attitude has brought lots of optimism to fans, who are looking forward to an overhaul of the Club. His style of play seems to change based on the squad he has available.
Best Player: Joe Allen was vital to the Club last season, giving us hope that we would avoid relegation. His massive new contract signed this summer shows how loyal and committed to the Club he is, and will be a vital player this season.
Rising star: Tom Edwards is a local lad who has won the Under 18 Player of the Year award twice in the Club. In the latter parts of last season he played some good first team football.
What happened last season: A pathetic attempt at a season that had been coming for a while under Mark Hughes. Paul Lambert was appointed in January, but a win rate of just 2 in 15 matches wasn’t enough for him to keep his job and miss out on the million pound bonus offered to him.
Transfer business so far: So far this has been a decent transfer window. Peter Etebo had an amazing World Cup for Nigeria and Benik Afobe looks really promising. Adam Federici has also been appointed to replace Lee Grant. Xherdan Shaqiri has left along with a few players like Stephen Ireland and Glen Johnson who will not be missed. Badou Ndiaye also looks to be on his way out, but it looks like Jack Butland will stay with us, which is massive. Perhaps most surprising are the new contracts signed by our 2 best players last season, Joe Allen and Moritz Bauer.
Predicted Line up: Here is our predicted squad. I’m not sure what formation we will have. EDIT: This is a new version, complete with our rumoured new signings and in the right formation.
Best case scenario: Stoke will finish top with an all-time Championship points record.
Worst case scenario: A mediocre start to the season will see Rowett sacked and Stoke with a disappointing mid-table finish.
Prediction: I think with our squad and our new manager, we will finish 1st.
What will happen to our closest rivals? Port Vale will be relegated to the Vanarama National League.

Aston Villa by trueschoolalumni

Location: Villa Park, Trinity Rd, Birmingham B6 6HE
Nickname: The Villans, The Villa, Prince William's Club, David "Twat" Cameron's Second Club.
Major honours: 7 First Division wins, 7 FA Cups, 5 League Cups, 1 European Cup, 1 European Super Cup, 1 Intertoto Cup
17/18 finishing postion: 4th
Transfermarkt squad value: £67.77m and dropping fast
Manager: Steve Bruce (for now). Former Man Utd playing legend who's been a fixture of English football for decades. He joined Villa in 2016 after successful runs at Hull, Sunderland (yes they were good once) and Birmingham City. A bit of a promotion specialist, he's taken Championship clubs up to the Premier League 4 times in the past and just missed out last season, losing 1-0 to Fulham in the Playoff Final. Tactically, he's fairly old school who prefers 4-4-2 or a 4-1-4-1, usually involving a big man up top. Fun fact: while managing Huddersfield in 1999 he wrote three novels, "Striker!", "Sweeper!" and "Defender!", which focus on main character Steve Barnes, a football manager. Barnes solves crime and takes on terrorists, and the books have become prized rarities. The Guardian's Football Weekly podcast managed to get a copy and read out some of the copy - suitably awful.
Best player(s)/ talisman: There's only one Jack Grealish. A Villa boy through and through, he's been with the club since 2001 (aged 6), and made his way into the first team in the 2013-14 season. He's been the centre of controversy a few times, most notably getting on the beers and passing out on a Tenerife street. Playing as a number 10, his quick feet and dribbling skills provide a number of goals and assists, as well as fouls. He probably went down a bit too easily when first in the Premier League, but time in the gym has noticeably toughened him up and he's a much more solid player as a result. One of the better players in the Championship, and due to Villa's abject finances, a transfer target for the likes of Leicester.
Rising star: Keinan Davis could possibly be it, potentially Andre Green and Rushian Hepburn-Murphy as well.
What happened last season?: Have you ever walked into a casino, spotted the roulette table and popped £10,000 on red? It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. You've doubled your money if you win, but look like a right git if you lose. Villa figured this was a good way to approach 2017-18: spend millions on players, get in lots of loans, gamble everything on achieving promotion. After a so-so start, Bruce got the team playing well, stringing together a number of wins and moving through the playoff spots. Unfortunately they ran into a few teams playing out of their skin - champions Wolves ran away with the league and boasted a squad that included several Champions League players. Neil Warnock's Cardiff couldn't stop winning and grabbed the second automatic promotion. In the playoff final Villa came up against a Ryan Sessegnon-led Fulham and were just pipped at the post 1-0.
Summer transfer business (so far): It's one-way traffic, due to absolutely abysmal finances. Loan spells for Lewis Grabban, Robert Snodgrass, Josh Onomah and Sam Johnstone have all ended, which is almost the spine of the team (Johnstone in particular - he was arguably the best keeper in the Championship and personally bagged a number of wins). Plus clubs are circling to pick off whatever assets we have left (eg. Jack Grealish, James Chester). With no prospect of anyone new coming in, it looks like the youth academy will be getting a lot more game time.
Predicted starting XI: Possibly this, but half these players could be gone before the first match.
Best case scenario: Mid-table anonymity would have to be best case - Villa are a mess and could go down this time around.
Worst case scenario: Our finances are the real issue - they are dire. Villa need to find £9 million this month to avoid going into administration. Owner "Dr." Tony Xia is a billionaire, apparently, but tax bills went unpaid and the question remains if he's able to support the club as generously as he has in the past. Administration, points deductions and potentially relegation to League One are all real possibilities right now. It's not looking good.
Prediction: Due to financial irregularities in the 23 clubs above us, Villa will get into the Champions League and take out the likes of Atletico, Bayern and Real Madrid on the way to our second European Cup. "Taylor, Green, prepared to venture down the left. There's a good ball played in for Jack Grealish. Oh, it must be and it is! It's Keinan Davis!"
What will happen to your closest rivals?: Unfortunately the Scum managed to avoid League One in the final rounds of the season. Here's hoping they go one better. Agbonlahor to re-sign for one game: the Derby. And score the winner, again.

Middlesbrough by OneSmallHuman

Location: The Riverside Stadium, Middlesbrough
Founded: 1876
Nickname: The Boro (Or just Boro)
Major honours: The League cup 2003-2004 season
17/18 finishing position: 5th
Transfermarkt squad value: 79.34m
Manager: Tony Pulis became manager of us in late December 2017, replacing the sacked Garry Monk after a pretty lacklustre few months of the campaign (despite where our league position was). Pulis is known in England for being the man that is never relegated when in charge of someone in the top flight. We are all aware of Tony Pulis' style of football. You start by having a strong and massive defence and maximise your use of set pieces to gain an advantage. Pulis is a lover of all set piece plays, whether that is crossing the ball in from a corner or free kick, or launching a ball into the box from a throw in, they're all in his arsenal of weapons. 'Pulisball' as it is pretty much known. Pulis has achieved promotion from the championship once before with Stoke, and I hope he achieves it again with us this season
Best player(s)/ rising star: I mean, where else do I begin. Adama Traore. Arguably the best player in the championship on his day and is one of the most frightening dribblers in English football, maybe even world football. The winger is known for his speed and dribbling ability although is usually criticised for his lack of end product. Before last season I would've agreed, however 5 goals and 10 assists, with all but 2 assists coming before Pulis' arrival show the progression of the Spanish winger.
As for other members of the squad, Ben Gibson, the prodigal son. Boro through and through he's progressed into a commanding centre half with the ability to play out from the back thanks to Karanka. He gained attention and emerged as one of the few given credit after our disappointing premier league campaign but was only the subject of one bid upon our relegation, from now manager Tony Pulis. It remains to be seen whether he'll be here come the first game of the season, but I hope he will be.
As for future stars, Dael Fry, already has played 2 championship campaigns for us and looks as assured as a veteran of the game. Another centre half produced by our academy and he is being played in cdm this pre-season by Pulis, to add to his versatility. Hopefully a standout season for him, especially if Gibson does end up leaving. Finally, yes, he does always look as confused as images of him show.
What happened last season?: Well, the first half of the season was tragic under Monk. We played really poor football at times and looked like we hadn't defended a day in our lives. There was also no consistency in the team, we'd win one game then lose the next. A key theme under both managers however, was our inability to beat those around us in the table. After Pulis' appointment the results picked up and it ended with us finishing 5th in the table. We ultimately lost in the playoff semi finals to Aston Villa but honestly, we didn't think we'd even be in the top half around Christmas.
Summer transfer business (so far): Just the three deals to talk about so far. We've acquired Paddy McNair from Sunderland who looks like a decent player. He's been utilised in right back and midfield during pre-season so it looks like they'll be his positions for the season. I imagine he'll play alongside Clayts and Howson in a midfield three.
Aden Flint was signed from Bristol City and I think I'm in the minority when I say I don't like how much we paid for him. Obviously the man is a Pulis player but I'm a bit unsure about his defensive ability. That being said he's looked strong during pre-season and I'm sure Pulis will get the best out of him. Fabio departed our club for Nantes so we'll need more full back cover.
As for the rest of the window, I expect Gibson to leave but will be delighted if he doesn't. One of our strikers will also leave and Braithwaite should follow after his decent World Cup performances. We'll probably bring in a striker and a winger and hopefully hold onto Adama. That'd be a successful window in my eyes.
Predicted starting XI: My best guess The only other guess I could make is that Gibson might leave and then Ayala would start, but he's injured at this point in time. Britt might play over Gestede too if Pulis is feeling fancy.
Best case scenario: It has to be top of the pile right? It's not out of the question to imagine us up there and if everything clicks then we've got a chance. A defence that scores more than some teams' strikers, Adama channelling his inner Messi and finding consistency, Rudy/Britt/Bamford scoring for fun. It could be carnage.
Worst case scenario: I can't see us finishing outside the playoffs, if we did then that would be gut-wrenching. But if we did then that would most certainly be the worst. Realistically, it'd be losing in the playoffs... again, and if it were in the final again then god help me. Although saying this, now losing Bamford and maybe Traore will be a worst case scenario in itself, definitely if they're not replaced.
Prediction: Have to be confident, although it always kills me. 1st or 2nd. Tony Pulis and his nice white trainers carry us to the promise land. That being said, we never do it the easy way.
Best Match of Last Season Sorry Leeds fans, but it had to be. "Hattrick Bamford" as our Twitter account tweeted, 3-0 against Leeds with Adama running the show. Leeds clearly found some positive from the game as they're set to sign him off us. This was the sign of what we should've done more last season. Showed what Paddy could've been too if given an even more extended period in Striker by himself. Oh well.
What will happen to your closest rivals?: Who even are our closest rivals in this league? We're in geographical purgatory. Can't say Sunderland anymore so what? Leeds? Bielsa either turns them into the well oiled machine they hope for or he succumbs to the old Leeds ways and is sacked by December. As for the Mackems, probably promoted from League 1.

Period: 2608.35 days

	Submissions	Comments
Total	999	50332
Rate (per day)	0.38	19.29
Unique Redditors	669	6432
Combined Score	243042	331979

Top Submitters' Top Submissions

1. 7465 points, 1 submission: BOBtheman2000
   
   1. Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story. (7465 points, 279 comments)
2. 5923 points, 16 submissions: Agent641
   
   1. Who do you call when youre stuck? (2262 points, 346 comments)
   2. Stealing from the pharmacy (sort of a wholesome story in a round-about way) (405 points, 36 comments)
   3. This is William, my supervisor. He makes sure I rake the leaves in perfect concentric circles. Im sure it has nothing to do with all the bugs I'm uncovering (356 points, 40 comments)
   4. You may know about the swan, the duck, the meth pipe, and the soul of the late Robin Williams, but did you know we are all just a ball of yarn for this cat? (323 points, 26 comments)
   5. Way to go, Bunnings Harrisdale, I just wanted to build some cabinets but now I'm inspired to build a viking longship and invade Northumbria (304 points, 49 comments)
   6. Perth Police (WAPOL) corruption at Crown Casino (293 points, 95 comments)
   7. After the storms - River mouth breached at Guilderton (264 points, 24 comments)
   8. PSA: It's going to be a very hot day this christmas in Perth, so make sure you bring your doggos inside in the AC, give them plenty of water, and make them wear silly hats (254 points, 19 comments)
   9. The colour difference in my front and rear dashcams' anodized aluminium face after 2 years in the WA sun. They started out black. (240 points, 26 comments)
   10. So I finished my new counter top (222 points, 69 comments)
3. 3930 points, 20 submissions: His_Holiness
   
   1. The West Australian covering only the most important news stories (363 points, 136 comments)
   2. City of Perth approves 3-hour free parking on weekends and public holidays (347 points, 84 comments)
   3. Cars could be banned from the heart of Northbridge on Friday and Saturday nights under a proposal from the City of Perth (246 points, 79 comments)
   4. The Court responds to calls to make the pub safer for gays by painting another rainbow (239 points, 144 comments)
   5. Euthanasia: McGowan Government to introduce assisted dying bill next year (223 points, 16 comments)
   6. Nightclub Predator Mark McGowan (222 points, 7 comments)
   7. The Perth Zoo family has expanded with the arrival of a strong, healthy male giraffe calf yesterday (208 points, 14 comments)
   8. Mark McGowan threatens to go it alone on climate, saying WA could develop its own policy (205 points, 60 comments)
   9. People power saves Northbridge favourite Picabar as new lease signed (182 points, 22 comments)
   10. A committee made up of WA MPs from Labor, the Liberals, the Greens and Nationals has called for voluntary assisted dying to be legalised in WA for terminally ill patients. Only one MP on the committee - Lib MP Nick Goiran - provided a dissenting opinion (179 points, 19 comments)
4. 3295 points, 12 submissions: flippingtimmy
   
   1. Took me over 20 trips to Dryandra Woodlands, but finally, I have my Numbat. (517 points, 36 comments)
   2. WA Woodlands can look pretty magical at sun up. (460 points, 33 comments)
   3. A young Numbat I met yesterday at Dryandra Woodlands. (421 points, 17 comments)
   4. Finally got around to creating this image of the bush on a foggy morning. (295 points, 16 comments)
   5. 8am Saturday at Dryandra Woodlands (263 points, 20 comments)
   6. Why do the Quokkas get all the press? Tammar Wallabies are pretty cute! (253 points, 21 comments)
   7. Oil Rig Off Cottesloe at Dusk. (210 points, 18 comments)
   8. Look at where we get to live. Taken near Wandering, WA. (205 points, 18 comments)
   9. Some colour for the Winter days - Taken at Baigup Wetlands in Bayswater (193 points, 14 comments)
   10. Coast Road at Night. (180 points, 25 comments)
5. 2769 points, 11 submissions: Aussierob78
   
   1. Good morning folks! Whatever you have planned, have a great weekend! (373 points, 25 comments)
   2. Hyde Park is looking amazing, so many autumn colours! (345 points, 23 comments)
   3. Why do two trips when this is more exciting?! Mitchell Freeway Sunday morning (321 points, 71 comments)
   4. Perth - Date Unknown (Pre 1988) from Kings Park (284 points, 27 comments)
   5. The Regal at night (271 points, 13 comments)
   6. Found on FB Marketplace in Perth... (227 points, 33 comments)
   7. Polaroid photo of the suspended lights in Enex 100 (212 points, 2 comments)
   8. Sunrise in the pine plantation, Old Yanchep Rd (210 points, 14 comments)
   9. That's no blue blood moon... (198 points, 9 comments)
   10. Sunrise this morning at Lake Joondalup (176 points, 14 comments)
6. 2051 points, 10 submissions: Muslim_Wookie
   
   1. Nice one WAPOL (344 points, 27 comments)
   2. RESET THE COUNTER, THE BRIDGE HAS BEEN HIT AGAIN. I REPEAT, THE BRIDGE HAS BEEN HIT AGAIN (267 points, 111 comments)
   3. Teachers of WA, thank you. (220 points, 68 comments)
   4. Yo it's raining, suck it you heat lovers! IT'S WINTER LOVER TIME TO SHINE! (206 points, 48 comments)
   5. Not strictly Perth related, but shout out to our Indian and Pakistani residents, hope things calm down and your families are safe and sound. (203 points, 74 comments)
   6. Why are chemists allowed to peddle bullshit "therapies"? (180 points, 140 comments)
   7. Bob Hawke has passed away (179 points, 57 comments)
   8. Almost car jacked moments ago next to City West (159 points, 51 comments)
   9. Fuckwits build what they want, complain when council trolls them back (154 points, 93 comments)
   10. Disgusting advertising in the Sunday Times - worthy of a complaint to Advertising Standards IMO (139 points, 70 comments)
7. 1989 points, 10 submissions: CarrAndDrone
   
   1. Our backyard is pretty spectacular (354 points, 27 comments)
   2. Less than an hour's drive from Perth CBD (258 points, 23 comments)
   3. Sunset over a local country pub (Westonia Tavern) (242 points, 22 comments)
   4. Sea of Gold (206 points, 22 comments)
   5. Overhead shot of bowls at the local bowling club (203 points, 18 comments)
   6. Colours of the Wheatbelt (155 points, 16 comments)
   7. Shades of Blue, North Mole Dr - Fremantle (155 points, 22 comments)
   8. Took this photo out near Moora this afternoon (151 points, 12 comments)
   9. Dowerin's pink lake does not disappoint if anyone is looking for a road trip (139 points, 26 comments)
   10. Perth is pretty awesome (126 points, 14 comments)
8. 1813 points, 7 submissions: warmind14
   
   1. Bluff Knoll goodness. A nice clear day for it 🤙 (509 points, 23 comments)
   2. Yesterday's eerie fog (350 points, 5 comments)
   3. Good luck getting this to happen in Perth, let alone Australia. (291 points, 65 comments)
   4. Some Swan River goodness this morning. (196 points, 10 comments)
   5. Windan Bridge this morning. Not a breath of wind. (179 points, 8 comments)
   6. Kitty Hawk-class aircraft carrier USS Constellation CV-64, turning around in the harbour at Fremantle, Australia.[1024 × 809] (159 points, 49 comments)
   7. I'm glad that's over! (129 points, 21 comments)
9. 1576 points, 9 submissions: littleblackcat
   
   1. Amazing vibe at the Wallabies v All Blacks game tonight (277 points, 60 comments)
   2. the best glitch I've ever seen on this sub (or reddit as a whole) (204 points, 23 comments)
   3. Happy Father's Day Dads of /perth!! (203 points, 61 comments)
   4. Art Gallery of WA toilets: a review (177 points, 60 comments)
   5. My experience with Transperth (losing my smartrider) (152 points, 59 comments)
   6. I need some (Perth related) dating advice (150 points, 84 comments)
   7. I present you a double whammy of 2016 nostalgic times. (142 points, 74 comments)
   8. PSA, if you shop at Chemist Warehouse, consider alternatives due to ongoing industrial action (136 points, 113 comments)
   9. Police to crackdown on ‘aggressive’ roadside window washers (135 points, 107 comments)
10. 1557 points, 8 submissions: Moondyne71
    
    1. Bell's Falls at Bells Rapids. An amazing spot right on our doorstep. (310 points, 13 comments)
    2. Perth Population in 3D. (243 points, 27 comments)
    3. Since WA windmills are this weeks theme, here is mine. No canola, just the red dirt of the Pilbara with Karajini in the background. (230 points, 15 comments)
    4. Bell's Rapids. Very wet v very dry. (186 points, 30 comments)
    5. Good work Startrack, good work. (167 points, 37 comments)
    6. Swan River in flood looking towards the city. (151 points, 8 comments)
    7. Geoff Parry stands on a box when reporting. (140 points, 41 comments)
    8. Commissioner acts to give WA Police body-worn cameras (130 points, 64 comments)

Top Commenters

1. Agent641 (7458 points, 455 comments)
2. CyanideRemark (6599 points, 821 comments)
3. aussiekinga (4929 points, 444 comments)
4. Captain-Peacock (4314 points, 571 comments)
5. metao (3830 points, 387 comments)
6. Grub-37 (3758 points, 429 comments)
7. Muslim_Wookie (3583 points, 977 comments)
8. littleblackcat (3260 points, 613 comments)
9. produrp (3192 points, 293 comments)
10. Perthguv (3163 points, 561 comments)

Top Submissions

1. Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story. by BOBtheman2000 (7465 points, 279 comments)
2. Who do you call when youre stuck? by Agent641 (2262 points, 346 comments)
3. Rapture Nightclub denies drink spiking. (not my screenshot) by xSmartalec (1543 points, 339 comments)
4. Classic by Dannohuddo (1041 points, 100 comments)
5. Spotted today flying over Perth. by Kiaora_Aotearoa (1027 points, 70 comments)
6. Only this sub will know who this man is by michael14375 (924 points, 139 comments)
7. Thank you - amazing girl in northbridge by Hey_its_me_your_mum (798 points, 38 comments)
8. Cape Naturaliste last Monday evening. Spent an hour watching a pod of dolphins trying to tame the huge swell. Managed to catch this fella going for broke! by oooweeeee (749 points, 33 comments)
9. Found this amusing by keepshootingfilm (721 points, 30 comments)
10. The climate protest be poppin off by Satch- (718 points, 231 comments)

Top Comments

1. 1321 points: omaca's comment in Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story.
2. 711 points: Dantalion_Delacroix's comment in Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story.
3. 439 points: produrp's comment in Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story.
4. 349 points: Agent641's comment in Born and raised in Perth but never knew that London Court existed
5. 342 points: mandahm's comment in Rapture Nightclub denies drink spiking. (not my screenshot)
6. 333 points: jdvhunt's comment in Me and my other half are moving to Perth next week from the UK. What are some do's and donts for new arrivals in Oz, please?
7. 331 points: deleted's comment in Recently, I shitposted my way onto the news. This is my story.
8. 320 points: Stuart_Munto's comment in Absolute idiocy at Forrest Chase (sorry for poor pic quality)
9. 312 points: SquiddyFish's comment in Perth transport system is really good
10. 276 points: Stuart_Munto's comment in Me and my other half are moving to Perth next week from the UK. What are some do's and donts for new arrivals in Oz, please?

Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Stats

It took me 5 minutes of post movie discussion to realize that something was wrong. I wrote shit down train of thought style, and I keep coming up with more problems anyway here are my ramblings about why this movie kinda sucked.
First off, I love Star Wars. I went in with bated breath. I assumed that it would be better than the force awakens but I wasn’t aiming too high. There are a LOT of issues I personally with TFA but I’ll try not to get in to that. The movie I thought we were going to get from the trailer is not the one we got. This movie was supposed to blow TFA and all it’s problems out of the water and clear the air for the star wars franchise’s future. After the movie I hoped I would be pumped and wowed and be able to say “that was fucking awesome” and by all rights, I believe it should have been. But when walking out of the theater while others were talking about it, was dead silent still pondering what I had just seen. I had some hyped short conversations about what was cool but that faded and I had to remember to take a deep breath and carefully take off my fanboy goggles to really look at it. Let the adrenaline of the ride fade away, because DURING the film it was all new and exciting you couldn’t ponder what you just heard or saw too long, you had to hang on to the ride til it was over. We’ve all made this mistake before and judging by early critic reviews, history has repeated itself again. It’s not the worst movie you’ve ever seen, far from it. But it is not great and I don’t even think it’s good. Mediocre at best. Ex machina all over the place and general poor story telling. And I think im a fairly average star wars fan and try to watch movies for what they are and open minded And I recognize that some of this is just things that I wanted to happen personally and they didn’t so maybe im upset about that. But I do think they are still better options for the story and the characters so take that as you will. So these are the jumbled up ways without much organized thought that TLJ disappoints if not completely upsets. I’ll do my best to remember what I can and just kinda ramble in bits.
1st Poe- I kinda fucking hate this guy so I might be biased here and, he was initially supposed to die in the first one but I guess JJ abrams liked his cute lil face too much but I digress. Anyway an Xwing casually strolling up and then fuck the shit out of a “fleet destroyer” and a bunch of tie fighters completely solo now. And the prank phone call bit? Went on way too long and ended in a ‘yo mama’ joke. Great. And the ww2 gravity style bombing sequence in space even though we’ve got established and better bomber ships. I guess Rose had a sister who flew one of those fat fragile space boats. Also, aren’t ships supposed to have shields? Poe’s xwing is able to Nat20 critical hit and explode everything he points at and so is everyone else and fly away all nimbly bimbly like. I get it he’s a good pilot but cmon. And people are pissed at poe and died because of him. It’s his fault half of the resistance died if you think about it. He straight up mutinied, and directed a dumbass side mission that didn’t matter AT ALL and in fact ruined purple hair admiral’s plan and got most of everyone killed but that just slap his wrist and it’s all “aw it’s ok ur cute” Purple hair admiral. Who are you? Oh I guess a badass thanks to a throwaway line of dialogue. It would’ve been great with her kamikaze sacrifice if we knew her a little more, perhaps introduced her in the first movie? Overall an unremarkable character whose name I had to google but then forgot. It starts with an H. Also, why didn’t the other ships that were sacrificed slam into the badguys if they were just gonna get fuckered anyhow? And the militaristic first order couldn’t tell that a kamikaze situation was coming their way? Ok maybe im getting too critical there. But purple hair shouldn’t have been a character. Her role in my opinion should have been given to Admiral Ackbar as a character. A minor character sure but one that we like and recognize. It would’ve been a pretty badass thing for the old fish to do instead of purple hair but instead he dies off screen and we get a quick line saying “oh yea him? He’s gone” Heck, it would’ve been a cool thing for Leia to do. I know things are weird with her character because of Carrie Fisher’s death and she might’ve had a bigger role but hey, beats what we got and are probably gonna get in 9. Also purple hair’s plan? The ships are cloaked I guess from radar or w/e. I believe ya. But wait the supreme order has yet another superior technology. WINDOWS. Resistance foiled again. (purple hair’s name is holdo just had to google it a second time)
The epically long and slow space car chase scene- Ok so NOW spaceships have shields that ALSO apparently can last for a whole day of bombardment. Pretty literal and strong plot armor. And tractor beams aren’t a thing either anymore? And also the first order could’ve just jumped in front of them right? Or done something other than match speed cruise control. They had fighters and then didn’t use them all of a sudden? Whatever. ‘we forgot to fill up the tank’ is the “plot” of so much of the movie and was neither interesting or exciting.
Luke’s old lightsaber(laser sword). The sword of his father, Anakin skywalker, the sword obiwan kept after defeating him and gifted to Luke on tatooine. The sword he lost when vader severed his hand over cloud city. The sword that Maz somehow found, gave to Rey which gave her spooky visions and ultimately returned to him. How the fuck did she get it? “a story for another time.” Apparently that time is never by the way. Ugh. Luke isn’t shocked at how this sword has come back to him or ask any questions about who the new delivery girl is but instead just comically chucks it off a cliff. Is this just part of his character, showing his disillusionment and dislike of the force and jedi way? Sure didn’t come off that way.
Leia, Overall her character didn’t feel to significant. Nothing too good or too bad. Her one big scene where she uses the force however, kinda sucked and was at the very least visually awful. I think showing Leia using the force for the first time is a cool idea, but they executed it poorly. She firstly somehow survives the explosion and gets sucked out to space then regains consciousness, force pulls herself, and opens a door which somehow also DOESN’T abide by space vacuum rules. Kinda shit right?. What I would’ve liked would be for her to have a 5 seconds of exposition where she force pulls something from poe or someone and says “oh luke taught me some shit” or what have you. THEN have her do something epic where she moves a torpedo out of the way from hitting her or maybe even one of the resistance torpedos from hitting kylo or something? I dunno just spitballing but something better than what we got there. Other than that there’s just not too much there unfortunately to talk about.
Bb8 – you cute little demi-god motherfucker. Drive an AT-ST? sure. Steal ships and befriend master “code breaker” criminals instantly. Ok. You have a slot machine function? Of course. Cant fix a ship? Smash your dome into it, ya dummy. Home-ball cant even go up stairs. I thought you were cool but you got buffed and are now way to OP.
Snoke- scarred, mysterious, immensely force strong, evil mastermind fuckin with Rey and Kylo and everyone. How does Leia, luke, and everyone know him? What are their relationships? Why and how did he corrupt Kylo? Didn’t he say he was gonna train kylo some more or something dumb? How is he so powerful in the force and the supreme leader dude? Why is he disfigured? Well, he’s dead halfway through the movie and nobody wants to tell us so fuck us. I guess Kylo is the big evil? Well ok then whatever. There’s a lot of this movie that I both hate and like somewhat. The ‘how’ of snokes death was kinda cool and surprised me. But how he didn’t see it coming based on his epic power, I dunno man. Oh and remember the knights of ren that he mentioned in TFA and shown in a flashback? Who supposedly helped kylo destroy the jedi temple or something? Who are they? What did they do? Doesn’t matter, we forgot I guess. Finn- a rogue storm trooper as a character sounds sweet, but I think the execution of his entire character is pretty piss poor overall. I like Boyega and his performance is good but his lines in this one made me wince over and over again. The forced humor on the tier of the lowest marvel/Disney movie was everywhere in this film and finn was a big part of it. And every single thing he did in this movie served ZERO purpose. And it was not interesting in the least bit. The space casino scene was mega long, mega bad, and stealing time away what should have been luke’s. Not to mention the irony of Disney preaching about the evilness of greed. Anyway finn. He straight up sucked in this film and him dying and actually doing something would’ve been good and maybe provided some sort of cool martyr thing which is a trope 5 people in this film wanted to do. And I mentioned earlier but his weirdly paced and placed misadventure is the whole reason why half the resistance got blown up apparently. Oh, and how the heck did they walk alllll all the way back across the barren field from the dumb death star battering ram to inside the base again?
Rose- the new character we are supposed to care about cause her sister just died and also likes to randomly kiss people. She wasn’t bad but also was a pointless new addition for whatever reason and didn’t really do jack all except somehow use super speed on her salt speeder thing to save finn. I don’t have much to say here but her character was weird and her character didn’t feel like a good and natural addition. There was an effort at making a new good character but I think it failed. Fuck your Star Vegas side plot Real quick interjection here. At an accelerating rate everyone starts calling themselves ‘rebels.’ I don’t’ think you’re using that word correctly dawg. In the sense with the empire it worked and the rebel alliance slowly and through great difficulty grew in size. You’re the Resistance. And the first order isn’t an established governmental entity? Wait maybe they are? Ack I dunno it bugged the heck out of me. This movie takes place what looks like mere days after TFA. The first order, whose megabase(which I have like 27 issues with on its own) just got blown up. Apparently snapped their fingers and now has supreme domination over everything. Ya they fucked up the republic a bit but I guess they destroyed ALL of it? The new republic is dead just like that huh? The whole New republic/first orderesistance thing is a huge mess and makes no sense. They were the invading bad guys now right? Some remnants of a hyper nutso splinter group of the empire. Oh and they have unlimited resources. And now there are only like 40 good guys anywhere? We got shit for information on the new republic which is what the rebel alliance became right?
Luke- theres a lot here and im gonna forget some of it but ill continue. The premise of him becoming a kind of grey jedi is a good start. And mark hamil is fantastic. Hamil said however when he first read the script, “I fundamentally disagree with every aspect of your portrayal of my character.” Something very similar to that anyway. And I have to agree with the man himself, I disagree with this portrayal of luke. Let’s start with the fact that this man, our moisture farm boy turned alliance hero and jedi knight who committed to finding the good in his fathethe evilest baddest dude in the galaxy. This same but supposedly wiser man, considered murdering his nephew/pupl in his sleep cause he sensed some darkness in his brain. Ok and he fucked up and felt SO guilty that he just ran away from his friends and family to live with space nuns and drink walrus milk/semen forever. But he left behind an epic map with r2 and that old guy in the beginning of TfA and nobody fucking knows who that guy is either? We were led to believe he went to find the first jedi temple to find something or for some epic significance. His whole reason for being there? Ugh Nope. He’s just ‘here to die.’ I liked SOME of the humor like the hand slappy bit but it was too much and the tone of his character was all over the place. Hans death didn’t seem to bother him too much also bugged me. “The jedi order must end but actually JK rey’s gonna do it now and be LAST last jedi. I only ever gave her a couple fortune cookies of force info but she is apparently the best at everything for no explicable reason.” And the shoulder brush taunt thing to kylo? Gtfo dude. What 12 year old wrote that? There were a lot of moments that felt completely out of character. I would’ve liked more of him and rey or him doing anything maybe even a little lightsaber swingin. The force projection thing was cool and a little twist showing how dope luke is but if he was just gonna die into the force Obi-wan style, he could’ve just been there anyway? Also, why did he die? He exerted himself with the force too much? It was dumb and didn’t feel like the proper way to do it at all. I didn’t really feel what I expected to feel when he just died seconds after doing a cool fake out. Also han’s lucky dice thing was another “what?” moment. Like this is some part of hans character that is supposed to be meaningful to everyone I guess. Pretty ‘bleh’ really.
Captain Phasma- ……I mean. Whatever dude. Should have died off screen in the first one. And ‘chrome dome’ really? Cool armor though. Remember the “TRAITOR” guy from the first one with the spark stick? She should’ve been that guy and her ark could just be “FUCK you finn you dick” but there was zero substance with her in both movies. Maybe 2 minutes of screen time total too and we were led to believe otherwise.
Kylo- I actually liked kylo in this one better. His interactions were cool and added a mystery element that was revealed later to just be some more hot garbage. Was a little more interesting and played with his character some but now hes just the big baddy who yells a lot because he wants to be now? Again, why did he become bad exactly because luke scared him in his sleep he decides to kill everyone? How did snoke corrupt him who are his knights and is there anymore to his relationship with Rey or was snoke just prankin everyone. Haha, classic Snoke. But yea I liked him but he’s intertwined with too much other fuckery. Oh yea, and remember in TFA where he is obsessed with everything darth vader? And how the heck did he get his helmet? Not mentioned once in this film. Dude’s just a weirdo who hits the pawn shops on Endor pretty regularly I think. His big showdown with luke was a bit of a let down and how things are gonna go for him. There’s still too much of the ‘why’ to his character. They’re trying to make him more complex and I think there are a hundred different interesting ways they could’ve taken it especially in connection with luke’s new philosophy.
Rey- I’d like to start by saying I like Rey as a protagonist and daisey ridley as an actress. But I’m gonna cut right down to it here. Her parents. It was strongly suggested that her parents were of some significance in the first one. And now she’s a fuckin nobody? She’s just godlike with the force and all sense of combat cause someone told her she should try it sometime? I think some people will be torn on this saying it’s a better call that she’s nobody but for me it makes me give almost no fuck about her now at all. Why is she so OP? Because the force said so or ‘it makes balance that way.’ Why did luke’s old lightsaber call out to her? Just because. Everything with her is ‘just because.’ This backstory feels like even more of a copout than any other theory and makes her into the ultimate mary sue character. Now they might reverse this and kylo was just bullshitting her to manipulate her. That’s what I was immediately thinking in the theater. I don’t think so anymore and if they do that as the twist in the next movie, it would be the shittiest way to do it but I still think it’s better than her as a nobody. This part is probably just be personal opinion but it’s a strong one. Personally I was expecting them to be Solo siblings and I liked that a lot, there were cool elements of that theory. Other major complaint other than her lineage and lil miss perfect shtick, was the mirror scene with the darkness or whatever. What was all that? I didn’t get it really. I get it’s something along the lines of the tree on Dagobah but her experience in it and why it’s there were confusing. I guess she’s just a nobody and that’s the thing.
Oh I almost forgot, remember Maz Kanata the old goggle wise lady who we see fighting while skyping with poe? Anyway, I guess she’s a badass? She is a 1000 year old pirate queen and I had to google that of course because her showing up doing crazy shit and saying to go find some guy who is definitely not benicio del toro was weird. She's another character who our heroes knew but we still don't. I thought she just owned a cool bacastle and collects mcguffins.
General Hux- the highest in command homie without force powers was assigned to comic relief this entire film. Poor dude
C3PO- worth mentioning just cause. This is really close to after the force awakens and he does a little interjection about having a red arm. Then doesn’t now. It’s stupid and trivial but I noticed it I guess and it was another grain of salt on something that already left a sour taste in my mouth.
Yoda- this surprisingly made me smile and I enjoyed his presence immensely. He was a goofy old wise puppet again if only for a brief period. I think some people might be split on this too but this was one thing I liked. Though I still wonder if lukes been able to talk to him any more at all, why yoda decided to show himself then and some other bits about but hey it’s yoda. I love yoda.
Chewbacca and porgs- I don’t like that Chewbacca has been relegated to someone nobody cares about or interacts with but it’s not his story and he cant talk so good so I get it. The porgs were something I thought id hate from the trailer. I felt the same about bb8 from TFA trailer. I liked em though but I will say they were used just a bit too much.
The resistance can track u through hyperspace now just because. Fine Also, the john Williams scores for these movies feel significantly less memorable than any previous installment. Minor complaint but it’s there Also, at least half of the jokes were painfully bad and/or ruined otherwise serious moments There were parts and moments of course that I did like and it wasn’t a bad performance but this movie should have been better. I don’t know why it wasn’t and that bothers me. Rian Johnson I think is the name of the director so I’ll blame him for now. Take the starwars out of this movie and you’ve got a huge mess of a story. With star wars it just felt offensive. Now again, I enjoyed it while I was watching and there were a lot of good elements in the movie. But there certainly is a heck of a lot of bad too. I might sound like this movie should have 5 percent on rotten tomatoes but im certainly confused as to why it’s score is as high as it is. A personal problem with these new movies is that these aren’t stand alone star wars films. They’re apart of THE saga. And all the nastiness from these new movies dribbles down and taints the original trilogy. I might be getting little too bitchy fanboy here but hear me out. If you really think about it, it makes everything from obiwan and yoda escaping order 66 to luke’s hero’s journey, to han and leia’s relationship to end of the second death star feel somewhat worthless now or less than. All the good has been undone and our heroes of old had a shitty son, the new republic is kaput in seconds, and they all die in unhappy, unsatisfying ways. Leia isn’t yet but they’ll have to now sadly. The original trilogy feels…weaker, maybe even pointless I guess connected to these new movies. This is a shitty comparison, but the new movies are akin to the finale of How I Met Your Mother. Among other reasons It was bad because it invalidated so much of the show and character building before it. Like even looking at how important the deathstar was to the plot of the IV and VI and even V in more distant ways. They even made a movie about the struggle to get the plans to destroy the deathstar and how fuckin dope it is and how they got the technology and idea back from the clone wars and had to mine kyber crystals and research and shit. We don’t even know about starkiller base until halfway through the movie where it immediately shotguns through hyperspace several planets and the entire good guy organization. This thing is also hella bigger than the deathstar and more powerful and more impactful and is also soooo easy to infiltrate and destroy. The last Jedi continues smashing away at what the original trilogy created and honestly I thinks makes watching them less enjoyable now that we know what REALLY happens to our beloved heroes. Disney said all the extended universe stuff isn’t canon anymore. But to me, I prefer to imagine episodes 7,8,9 arent canon. There is one motif that star wars has throughout the series and that is one of hope. But I’m afraid that’s just one thing for future star wars installments that I simply don’t have after this. This did not feel like a Star Wars film. It was just a Disney film. There’s a whole spiel I could get into with what I think is a huge problem in the film industry that this movie exemplifies but I wont. But to quote mark hamill again about the industry, “it’s not important if it’s of high quality. Only if it makes money”
The prequels are starting to look a little better with this new lighting. They're bad sure but in a different way. Oh well it's just a movie Forgive my sloppy writing