(Repost because I posted this really late and I was hoping to get some more discussion on the ideas.)
TLDR: Cincinnati seems like an interesting location for a future Fallout game and I break down my reasoning and then give an idea for a story. Maybe Cincinnati, Ohio isn’t as popular as other American cities, but I think it still deserves a shot.
So this post is taking some older ideas in some Reddit posts for a Fallout game and adding some additional ideas for it. I believe that a Fallout game set in and around Cincinnati, Ohio could potentially be a good fit for the Fallout franchise. I’m gonna break down the reasons why I think it could fit the theme/work as a map and then some story ideas for what could work in the area. I’d also like to state that my ideas are based off of information from the Fallout Wiki and Wikipedia. If anything doesn’t add up, I apologize.
MY REASONING FOR CINCINNATI AND WHY IT CAN FIT THE FALLOUT LORE:
-So Cincinnati might not seem like a city as grandiose as somewhere like NYC, Philadelphia, Detroit, New Orleans, etc. To an extent, I totally agree with that sentiment. It’d be really cool to see those cities that were mentioned above as future Fallout locations. However, I believe that those world ideas are also so full of interesting locations that a game trying to capture it all would struggle to get all the significant locations with current technology. Cincinnati is a smaller city that is still rich with culture and history that could be captured more accurately than bigger projects.
-A decent amount of the skyscrapers and more significant places of Cincinnati and the surrounding cities are somewhat older. There is enough buildings in Cincinnati that were built before or close enough to the divergence point that the skyline and city layout could be decently recognizable.
-Cincinnati had a decently sized manufacturing and industrial sector before the IRL Midwest De-Industrialization and Formation of the Rust Belt in the 40s and 50s. Considering that Fallout is themed around the ‘Pax Americana 1950s & Early 60s’ culture, the idea of showing off a Midwest city that continued to boom in those sectors could be an interesting focus for a Fallout game.
-Cincinnati has a large, mostly unused subway system that was never finished. In game, we could see areas of underground activity like the Fallout 3 subway system. The IRL subway eventually had a section that was also reworked to be a nuclear shelter, so a Vault being under the city wouldn’t be far-fetched.
-The Underground Railroad considered Cincinnati to be an important stop along the way, as it was a large destination for runaway slaves. The city was seen as a large region to hide amongst and find work that was just north of the Ohio River, where Slavery was mostly illegal (still not that great for runaways, but better than the South). Any concepts of slaves coming to Cincinnati for newfound freedoms or a system/faction of abolitionists and runaways would make a lot of sense for the themes.
-The Ohio River would be an important location that could go right through the middle of the map. Based off of how irradiated the rivers were in Fallout 3: The Pitt, I think it’d be safe to assume that the Ohio River in Cincinnati would also be unsafe to travel across. This creates something like the Deathclaws north of Goodsprings in Fallout: New Vegas where players can follow a normal path to get to the main city. This also means that it could create fun and challenging ways to get across the river.
-Fallout’s 1950s styled America is still in love with baseball. If you’re looking for a major city with a rich baseball history/culture, Cincinnati’s your place. Cincinnati is the city where the first professional baseball team was created, the Red Stockings. It could be host to a baseball themed faction, a settlement like Diamond City, or maybe even a quest line to reform a pro baseball team.
-The Cincinnati Zoo is a long standing and prestigious zoo that could be an interesting point in this hypothetical game. Since the zoo is home to various creatures that aren’t native to most of America, we could see interesting enemy mobs like mutated gorillas and irradiated hippos.
-IRL Cincinnati is home to major companies like Kroger, Procter&Gamble, and GE Aviation. Fallout companies like Super Duper Mart and Abraxodyne Chemical could be stand-ins for Kroger and P&G. It’d be a cool bit of story building for some of the pre-war companies that have products littering the Fallout wastelands.
-While New Orleans is probably more famous for this point, Cincinnati was also historically home to a developed steamboat industry that made it an important location in the history of American exploration/expansion into the river basins of Midwest America. Fallout 4’s museums based around Massachusetts’ involvement in the American War of Independence show off the cultural significance of the region in American history. Cincinnati could have a museum dedicated to it’s prominent position as a gateway to the west, showing off it’s contributions to expansionist American culture.
-One of the cities in the Cincinnati region is a town south of the Ohio River known as Newport, Kentucky. Historically, before Las Vegas became Sin City, Newport, KY was a huge contender for that role. From the 1920s to the 1950s, Newport was a city filled with criminal bosses and corrupt public officials. Casinos, brothels, and other illegal enterprises made up a good chunk of everyday life for this town. If fans want to recapture the spirit of New Vegas with the focus on moral degradation and a city of ‘Sex, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll,’ then look no further than Newport.
-Cincinnati was one of the major US cities that had Nike anti-air missile bases around the Greater Cincinnati area. I don’t think it’d be too far of a stretch to assume that after world tensions got worse in the 21st century, that the government would repurpose some of these launch sites into nuclear silos. Maybe we could see another Megaton situation.
-Cincinnati is also home to 3 facilities in the area that were dedicated to nuclear research and enrichment (until these plants were closed due radiation leaking out). These would be some great areas to explore and mess around with nuclear enrichment.
WHEN WOULD THIS TAKE PLACE & WHO WOULD BE INVOLVED:
So I feel like this game could work if it was set between the ending of Fallout 2 and the beginning of Fallout 3. IMO, the ideal starting date would be between 2248 and 2252 due to the ideas I have for the factions that could be used in this game. I don’t have all the details for all the different factions, but I have 4 ideas for 4 major factions. Two new ones and two old ones that could fit the area.
RETURNING FACTIONS:
-The Brotherhood (Chicago Faction) So the Brotherhood of Chicago is an ill defined group that exists only in references. Fallout: Tactics set up a group known as the Midwest Brotherhood, however, Tactics is no longer recognized as a canon game since Bethesda acquired the Fallout series. According to Fallout 3 & 4 though, there is still a group of the Brotherhood that still exists in the Chicago area. Like Tactics, the Chicago group of the Brotherhood arrived in Chicago due to an airship crashing into the area. Beyond this, there isn’t much lore about the Chicago chapter so this is where I’d like to add my ideas. After the crash, feeling disconnected from the rest of the Brotherhood (and their dedicated supplies and supply lines), the Chicago chapter turns more towards the religious aspects of the Brotherhood. Having a lot of connections to the airship that decided their fate, as well as possibly being based out of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport, the Chicago Brotherhood turns towards the sky. They begin a process of turning into an Aviation cult, a society that worships and encourages air travel. Like the old Brotherhood, they would hoard technologies, just more focused on air travel and air defenses. Over time, they begin to expand around the Great Lakes region, eventually coming to a manpower crisis. At this point, the Chicago chapter would either loosen it’s recruiting standards to allow in wastelanders who would join due to their acceptance of their new faith system, or the Chicago chapter would create a Spartan styled theocratic dictatorship with the airship survivors acting as foreign rulers over Chicagoans. Either or would have interesting story choices, but I can’t chose which I like more. Anyhow, the Chicago chapter eventually comes across tales of ‘Prophet Wright and Prophet Patterson,’ the founders of flight (and possibly the sky if the chapter is naive/delusional enough). The Chicago Brotherhood learns of a ‘Holy City’ where flight was birthed and worshiped at a ‘Holy Air Base.’ The Chapter would take it’s proudest forces and equipment to claim their perceived Holy Land, the city of Dayton, OH and Wright-Patterson Air Base. Upon arrival, the Chicago chapter realized that the city was already claimed by other forces. Believing that their God (or Gods) was on their side, the Chicago Brotherhood launched an attack for Dayton. Time would pass, and no gains were made by the Brotherhood, revealing a dirty truth that this chapter was not as dominant and guided by God(s) as they thought they were. They also had to accept that an enemy force with Wright-Patterson could challenge their tactical and spiritual hold on the sky. Upon tactical reevaluation, the Chicago chapter noticed that the enemy forces were sending extra soldier South of the battle. The chapter correctly guessed that their enemies were moving to encircle them and stop their Midwestern gains. In response, the Brotherhood would send it’s own forces South to try to counter-encircle the enemy. Both forces, evenly matched and evenly stretching their lines would finally hit the Ohio River. Both sides were stuck countering the influence of the other, eventually both would settle in to starve the other one out around Cincinnati. The Chicago Brotherhood had their work cut out for them, for they would be facing off against.....
-The Enclave After the events of Fallout 2, the Enclave would need to rebuild. Bases of theirs lying in ruins, groups deserting them, Enclave members being hunted down for justice, profit, and fun. The situation looked dire for most. That was until a Mr. John Henry Eden gave orders to regroup and rebuild in the Capitol wasteland. Most Enclave members saw the writing on the wall, and decided that the move East would be better than death. This is where I believe that a certain group of the Enclave would be moving east, eventually stumbling upon Dayton & Wright-Patterson. This group of the Enclave didn’t feel like moving on past this treasure trove would be a smart idea, so the group settled there. Now I was thinking that the leader of this Enclave chapter would eventually get all high and mighty, thus proclaiming that the Dayton Enclave was the true enclave, that their leader was the rightful President, and that Eden and his Capitol Wasteland Enclave was not legitimate. The Dayton Enclave President swore an oath of duty to reunite the Enclave under him, and to invade and conquer the Capitol for their own state. While the older and higher up ranks supported the grand plan, younger officers and cadets had an uneasy feeling over these plans. Some would even go as far to talk about open rebellion and, even possibly, a return to democratic institutions and rules. (I would love to see a quest line where you can influence the Enclave and chose between a status-quo Enclave or a democratic Enclave. However, just because a bad guy says that they’re good now, it does not mean that they will be seen by the people as a good guy now). All of this would have to wait though, as a new enemy has arrived on this Enclave chapter’s borders. In less than an hour after their arrival, the enemy began a siege on the Enclave’s Wright-Patterson base. The Enclave was caught completely off guard, as none of the higher ups believed that ‘No savages of this region could possibly learn how to fly and professionally fight.’ After the initial chaos, the Enclave was able to get their air force up and defending their positions. Amid the siege and dogfights, the Enclave would learn of the name of their ‘new’ enemy: The Brotherhood. The Enclave officers had been both right and wrong. The Brotherhood was not a savage of this region, as they had fought against them in California. They were still in this region though, and they were able to put up an actual fight. Realizing the direness of getting stuck in a constant siege, the Enclave came up with a plan to hopefully solve all their problems. If the Enclave forces could just encircle the Brotherhood forces, then they could possibly cut their supply lines while also conquering lands to keep the Brotherhood from moving any further into Ohio, as well as a start on the Dayton Enclave’s Eastern March to take DC. Their forces moved south, only for the Brotherhood to match their moves to the south. The Enclave tried again, only to meet the same results. This began a race south to try to get under the other army. Evenly they moved along, until both forces hit the Ohio River. While some war-hawks within the Enclave ranks wanted to move into Cincinnati to try to gain the upper hand, the Dayton Chapter President refused, wishing to focus on the Brotherhood and the eventual Eastern March. Unfortunately, the Enclave and the Brotherhood had moved their battlegrounds too close to Cincinnati, and soon, a new force would join the fight.....
NEW FACTIONS:
-The Republic of the Ohio Cincinnati was not spared from the horrors of nuclear hellfire. Being a city with a large amount of manufacturing, commerce, transportation, and nuclear refinement will tend to put you on list for enemy nuclear destruction. As such, Cincinnati has seen better days. It is not 2077 anymore though, and the city has learned to heal. Emerging from vaults long after Nuclear War, but long before the time of this game, a new generation of citizens of Cincinnati began the process of rebuilding. In the beginning, many factions arose, with no central authority. Chaos and violence ruled the scorched streets. Eventually, due to raiders and instability, multiple governing groups formed trade pacts and alliances. These districts would eventually merge due to the economic ties to create the city of Cincinnati once more. While not all districts complied willingly, Cincinnati would continue to grow through a combination of economic ties and small military missions. With trade being such a central idea to the culture of the city, Cincinnati began to work out deals with even more areas that weren’t even part of the Cincinnati Districts. Around this time, the wealth inequality within the city began to grow faster and faster. More individuals were gearing up to meet more locals to enact more trade, of which some profits would go to line the pockets of these traders. Soon, the very well off individuals were producing shipping vessels on the Ohio River. While this meant that Cincinnati could spread it’s wings further, it also meant that more and more land on the river was being gobbled by those who already owned the majority. Nevertheless, the city would continue to work with the ultra rich to expand. By this point, many districts were starting to look worse compared to how they were doing before the city united. Since the city had been set up loosely, it had become a confederation in principle. As such, many districts were on the cusp of declaring their freedom once more. To quell any chance of District independence, the then Mayor of Cincinnati declared the ‘Republic of the Ohio.’ On one side of things, the new government better reflected the new growth on the Ohio River by recognizing new lands as different territories instead of new additions to the city. On the other side, the Republic was formed as a new government level to force territories looking for freedom back into the greater system. While the Districts could still leave the city of Cincinnati, they would still be stuck inside the Republic of the Ohio. The Republic was based off of the government of the pre-war USA, in which succession was illegal and punishable. Not everyone listened, and soon, the poorer districts declared a counter-government to recognize the ‘forgotten man.’ The Republic did not tolerate this, and swept through the districts, taking out any opposition that could be found. It was after this point, very early on in the new republic, that the government tightened the rules until the Republic was only a republic in name. Yes, the freedoms of speech and religion and the right to vote would still exist. But if you did not worship and speak of the Republic in the ‘correct way,’ you might have just found yourself stuck in social shaming and potential revenge. And while you could vote, it mattered not as everyone knew who the ‘winners’ would be. As the Republic embraced a darker side, it began to feel the drawbacks of it’s actions. Social services and protections offered by the state declined more and more, as politicians were more focused on the pay and helping their families. It was very clear that the rich of the republic had it all, while the poor never recovered from the District disassembly and forced reintegration. The Elite cared little though, as the republic grew it’s trading operations further up and down the River. Life was good enough. Or so it seemed until the scouts of the Republic brought news one day. Advanced groups with flying weaponry were moving south, towards the Republic itself. The President of the Ohio makes the call to send all forces to defend the northern walls. Little did they know that they had weakened another front, and a force moving from the South East to meet that weakened border. Known only in the region as a rumor, they are.....
-The Kanawha Coalition Nuclear War came a little bit later for the land of West Virginia, but when it came, it left it’s mark. West Virginia was spared from the worse in 2077, leaving behind a land with great potential. While violence and death was nothing foreign to the WV Wastelanders, it was comparatively tame versus the surrounding states. Eventually, a vault filled with Dwellers opened up. These pioneers would bring about change to the region, leading to more factions showing interest in the region. The population boomed, and it looked as if the region could sustain a form of civilization. Then the bombs came again, and again, and again. The new people of WV were not all as valorous and good-hearted as it seemed they would be. West Virginia was home to a series of active nuclear missile silos. Taking advantage of the chaos that comes with societal formation, certain individuals made their way to these silo sites to bring about new nuclear devastation. So quickly was the flame of law, order, and civilization sniffed out by nuclear destruction. Many would die, possibly even more than the amount of West Virginians killed in the actual war. Many more would just up and leave the lands, hoping to find a better home outside of WV. What was left after the first round of deaths and departures was a network of abandoned communities and other forgotten homesteads. The structures left behind would decay and fall apart, bits flying away along the wind. The locals that stayed were also forced to increase their mineral stripping and scavenging to build better homes, able to stand up to the toxicity of the region. Most of these were in vain, however, as the other survivors of the region were usually the ones still launching the weapons. Many years would pass with this pattern still going the same, only the Earth around them changing. While WV had been polluted even before the war, the leftover junk combined with the constant nuclear war brought the region to a new low. But at it’s lowest, WV would find a solution. Slowly, the psychopathic souls who had fired the weapons became bored of tormenting the region. The nukes were becoming a thing of the past, now the region could focus on the other problems that plagued everyday life. Those issues that had been put to the side were finally in full view. And that view was of a homeland soured by nuclear fires and other pollutants. The people had enough of their rotting home, so they elected to meet and discuss a solution. The meeting brought together a handful of tribes that had somehow survived. Many attending the meeting were no longer human, as the radiation had ghoulified a vast amount of the populace. While most regions struggled with the ostracism of ghouls, many humans within West Virginia had either accepted them or had learnt to tolerate them enough to not cause too much damage. While some grudges still seep into social arrangements, the ghoul-human relations are comparatively better to most other societies. The tribes of ghouls and humans came together to unify, creating a coalition of the West Virginian tribes. The elders of each tribe created a council to organize and direct new objectives for the willing locals. It was decided that the tribes would forgo the technologies that brought about the conditions that they lived in. They would focus their efforts on peace and harmony with the lands that had been ruined, with the eventual goal of creating an ecologically sustainable homeland. In an effort to rebrand the region and connect with a people who focused on the Earth, the coalition would begin to refer to the lands of West Virginia as Kanawha. Consequently, the coalition would eventually come to be known as the Kanawha Coalition. Time would pass and Mother Earth would heal... somewhat. After a long period of partial success, the council would meet and make a drastic choice. No longer would they toil to make a broken land heal, a new, better land would be searched out. The tribes packed up and began a long march towards a new home. A rumored land of a city that continued to kill Mother Earth with no punishments. Now, it was time to punish the wrongdoers and take their lands triumphantly.
WHY SET IT BETWEEN 2248 AND 2252: The main reason I feel like this time period would work is due to the events between FO2&3. According to the DC Brotherhood in 3, the Chicago Brotherhood had gone silent by the time of their eastern journey. It also fits due to the Enclave moving East as well. As such, 2248-52 seems late enough for the Enclave to get out East, while being early enough for the Chicago Brotherhood to disappear by 54/55.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS, I’M SORRY IF I MISTYPED ANYTHING OR SOMETHING DIDN’T MAKE SENSE.

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

Notes from Today's press conference

• 0 new local cases
• 1 new case in hotel quarantine
• 50,000 tests conducted since Sunday
• 306 out of 317 contacts have been tested and returned negative results
• WA will exit lockdown at 6.00pm this afternoon
• Southwest will revert to pre-lockdown conditions
• Transitional plan in place for Greater Perth until Sunday morning 14th February
• Please continue to wear masks, socially distance and hand washing
• Small businesses and charities impacted by 5-day lockdown will be able to access $500 offset on electricity bills
• 512 person cap for WA for international arrivals will extend until end of February. WA will use this time to further strengthen hotel quarantine system
• Use SafeWAApp contact register when you visit a business or place
• 30 million checkins made with app
• 1.5 million individuals registered

🎥 Recap from yesterday

• WA has gone four days in a row of full lockdown with zero new cases recorded.
• 191 close contacts have now tested negative. 156 have tested negative, results pending for the rest. Four “high risk” close contacts have tested negative twice.
• In addition, 258 casual contacts have also been identified; 200 of these have returned negative results.
• The four high-risk close contacts of the case have been retested and returned their second negative test results late yesterday.

​
At 8:40pm AWST, McGowan held a Press Conference and advised the following:
Pending ongoing testing results and expert health advice, lockdown restrictions for Perth, Peel and the South-West will be lifted at 6:00pm tomorrow evening (Friday 5 February).
Following that, stay-at-home rules will be lifted - and interim restrictions will apply to Perth and Peel.
The South West will immediately return to pre-lockdown conditions at 6pm tomorrow (Friday 5 February).
A post-lockdown transition period for the Perth and Peel regions to keep WA safe and resume a more COVID-safe way of life will remain in place until 12.01am Sunday morning, 14 February – allowing for the full 14-day incubation period to run its course.
All Western Australians must continue to practise physical distancing where possible and maintain good personal hygiene at all times.
The post lockdown transitional measures for the Perth and Peel regions, include the following measures:

• Everyone must continue to wear a mask in public and while at work, unless exempt or for outdoor vigorous exercise
• All business and venues can reopen, except for the casino and nightclubs
• 4 square metre capacity rule in place for most venues
• 150-person capacity – excluding staff – at hospitality, entertainment and venues and events including weddings and funerals at these venues
• Community sport can start, and involve up to 150 people including players, officials and spectators.
• Seated service only at hospitality venues
• Dancing only permitted at weddings and dance studios
• 20-person limit for private indoor and outdoor gatherings
• Visits to aged care and disability care facilities restricted to compassionate grounds
• Residential school and boarding facilities can resume with a COVID Safety Plan
• Only essential travel is permitted in and out of the Perth and Peel regions to other parts of WA.

Under the post-lockdown transition measures, Perth and Peel schools will start from Monday, 8 February, with the mandatory mask rule applying to all school staff and secondary students. Masks are not required for primary school students.
Masks are also mandatory for staff at childcare facilities as well as students and staff in higher education, including TAFEs and universities.
Teaching staff are permitted to remove their mask if teaching at the front of the classroom to enable clear enunciation.
People who need to leave the Perth and Peel region for essential purposes must wear a mask at all times in other regions of WA, as per the rules in place in Perth and Peel.
Elective surgery at WA public hospitals will resume once the lockdown has ended and people will be contacted directly to re-schedule and re-book their appointments which were suspended due to the five-day lockdown.
FIFO workers will once again be able to leave the Perth and Peel regions, but documentation will be required and they must follow strict health protocols.
COVID-safe measures including the use of contact registers and SafeWA will continue to be crucial as part of post-lockdown life.
​
---

Cases reported in the previous 24 hours

• 0 new local cases
• 1 new case in hotel quarantine

​

Cases to date

	Last 24 hours	TOTAL
Confirmed cases	+1	907
Active		10
Recovered		887
Deaths		9
Unknown		15
Tests performed		769,625
Hospitalised		0
ICU		0

​

Locations visited by confirmed case

Location	Type	Date of concern	Time of concern
Maylands Coles - Caledonian Ave and Guildford Rd, Maylands WA 6051	Supermarket	25/01/2021	8.00 pm to 10.00 pm
New - Coles Express / Shell service station - corner Walcott St and, Fitzgerald St, North Perth	Petrol Station	25/01/2021	9.00 pm to 10.00 pm
Maylands Kentucky Fried Chicken - 209 Guildford Rd, Maylands WA 6051	Hospitality	27/01/2021	7.30 pm - 9.00 pm
Midland Mitsubishi Motors -161 Great Eastern Highway, Midland WA 6056	Car dealership	27/01/2021	7.00 pm to close
Morley Spudshed - Coventry Village, 243-253 Walter Rd W, Morley WA 6062	Supermarket	27/01/2021	10.00 pm - 11.00 pm
Perth Arena Convenience Store (Grab N Go) 3/69 Milligan Street, Perth WA 6000	Supermarket	27/01/2021	2.00 pm to 3.00 pm
Joondalup Edith Cowan University - 270 Joondalup Drive WA 6027 Building 31	University	28/01/2021	11.00 am to 2.00 pm
Perth VFS Global Indian Visa Services - L1, 195 Adelaide Tce, East Perth WA	Commercial	28/01/2021	12.30 pm to 3.00 pm
Cloverdale Halal Grocery Store - 8/224 Belmont Ave, Cloverdale WA 6105	Supermarket	28/01/2021	7.00 pm to 9.00 pm
Maylands Venus Ladies and Gentleman Hair Design - Maylands Park 238 Guilford Rd Maylands 6051	Hairdressers	29/01/2021	1.00 pm to 3.00 pm
Perth Perth Convention Centre - Perth WA 6000	Conference Centre	29/01/2021	4.00 pm to 6.00 pm
Nedlands Nedlands Family Practice - Broadway Fair Shopping Centre, 9/88 Broadway, Nedlands WA 6009	GP surgery	29/01/2021	5.00 pm to 6.00 pm
North Perth Chemist Warehouse - 412 Fitzgerald St, North Perth WA 6006	Pharmacy	29/01/2021	5.30 pm to 7.30 pm
Ascot 7-Eleven - 194 Great Eastern Hwy, Ascot WA	Petrol station	29/01/2021	8.00 pm to 9.00 pm
Maylands Coles - Caledonian Ave and Guildford Rd, Maylands WA 6051	Supermarket	29/01/2021	8.00 pm to 9.00pm
Belmont Genesis Gym - 1&2/199 Abernethy Rd, Belmont WA 6104	Gym	30/01/2021	9.30am to 12.00pm
Burswood Puma Service Station - 265 Great Easter Hwy, Burswood WA	Petrol station	30/01/2021	11.00 am to 12.00 pm
Cloverdale Coles Express/shell service station - Wright St &, Belmont Ave, Cloverdale WA 6105	Petrol station	30/01/2021	12.00 pm to 1.00 pm
Maylands Pharmacy 777 - Maylands Park Shopping Centre 3, 238 Guildford Rd, Maylands WA 6051	Pharmacy	30/01/2021	2.30 pm to 4.00 pm

Other helpful information and links

• WA Govt COVID-19 information homepage
• WA Govt: Latest updates
• Travel and Quarantine in WA
• WA Department of Health: COVID-19 information
• Venue location alerts
• WA COVID-19 Dashboard

SEATTLE

It goes without saying, but one franchise should definitely end up in Seattle, as the Supersonics of course. It's been quite a letdown for the city that PBC moved the team to OKC after their acquisition of the team. The city is now updating the Climate Pledge Arena, formally known as the KeyArena, (one of the reasons for the team's relocation) with the arrival of the NHL team, the Seattle Kraken. The Sonic fans have been clear and vocal since the move that they could still support an NBA franchise without a doubt.  

KANSAS CITY

The state of Missouri surprisingly does not house an NBA franchise and hasn't since the departure of the Kansas City Kings in 1985. The city seems to support their professional sports franchises and has an arena downtown that could be suitable for the potential NBA team (with some renovating I'd presume - it seems nice but I am not familiar enough with the facility). It seems the market is significant enough to support an NBA franchise so it should be an option.  

CINCINNATI

The city has an MLB and NFL franchise, so it is not inconceivable that they could support an NBA franchise (being that they did up until 1972 with the Cincinnati Royals, before they moved to Kansas City). I'm not sure who the NBA fans in Cincinnati support, but I'm guessing the Cavs aren't popular enough to have strong support across the entire state of Ohio. Kentucky, just south of the city across the Ohio River, has a significant passion for basketball, so that could fortify the market/support for the potential team. A lot has changed since the early seventies but it is still a question whether or not they could fund a new arena in the city or they can just renovate the arena downtown (Heritage Bank Center).  

LAS VEGAS

Las Vegas is clearly a viable option for an additional professional franchise after the city has proven it can support the Golden Knights and, seemingly, the Raiders (who already have a broad fanbase). They have a viable arena to play in and can gain support with tie-ins with the casinos to help occupy the arena with visitors as they develop a local fan base. The NBA already has a presence there with summer league as well so I can see it happening.  

TAMPA BAY

I guess we will get a general idea of how much the city can support an NBA team with the Raptors playing in the city for the upcoming season (obviously without attendance given the circumstances). The Rays have their issues with attendance and the Bucs are perennial losers sans a few years in the late nineties-early 2000s (I've actually been a big Bucs fan since 1997, as I grew up in Los Angeles with out an NFL team at the time), so it is up for debate if they can support an NBA team, especially with Orlando being so close by. It is a significant market and the Lightning seems to garner a lot of support and have a nice arena downtown they could share with the potential NBA franchise (something they'll be doing this year), so it seems feasible.  

SAN DIEGO

This poor city, a city I love and plan on moving to one day, has lost two professional franchises to Los Angeles (and the Rockets to Houston). Both the Chargers and Clippers should still be in SD in my opinion, given their putrid reception in Los Angeles and the significance of the city of San Diego. The Clippers are still not accepted in Los Angeles after all these years and are only there because dumbass Donald Sterling forced the relocation in the 80s. The city has struggled to fund stadiums in the past but it would be great to see an arena downtown, a la Petco Park. Worst case, they renovate the Pechanga Arena (formerly known as the San Diego Sports Arena) but realistically I'm not sure the city wants an NBA franchise, I have no clue.  

VANCOUVER

No reason to think they couldn't support an NBA franchise again. Basketball has grown tremendously in Canada since the days of the Vancouver Grizzlies and the country has produced several high-level players in recent years. The Raptors are the lone team north of the border, so no reason to think a second team isn't viable. Vancouver has Rogers Arena ready to go so there wouldn't be an issue with an arena for the potential team.  

PITTSBURGH

Look, Pittsburgh could barely support the Pipers back in the ABA days (albeit a long time ago), so I'm not sure how popular basketball is in the city. It is not a huge market but the city shows strong support for the Steelers and Penguins (and I'm sure the Pirates to some extent even with their decades-long struggles). I think Pittsburgh is a beautiful, underrated city, with PNC Park being my favorite MLB ballpark. The potential team could share the arena with the Penguins so there wouldn't be an issue having to fund a new arena. Also, I know the city loves the black/yellow color scheme for their franchises so that is one less thing to worry about.  

ST. LOUIS

As mentioned above with Kansas City, it is surprising the entire state of Missouri doesn't have at least one NBA team. St. Louis had the Hawks for 13 years, before they moved to Atlanta, and housed the fabled Spirits of St. Louis of the ABA, so no reason to think the city couldn't support an NBA franchise again. I highly doubt both cities mentioned would get both expansion franchises, so I'm not sure which city is the more viable option. The team could share the Enterprise Center with their NHL team, the Blues, so there wouldn't be an issue funding an arena.  

BALTIMORE

I know it is very close to DC, but if DC and Baltimore can both support an NFL and MLB team, why can't Baltimore support an NBA franchise again, being they had an NBA franchise (that moved to DC, coincidently) in the past. I know the city has had its struggles for some time, but it seems like a possible landing spot to consider. I am not familiar with the condition of the Royal Farms Arena, but the team would ostensibly have a suitable arena to play in.  
 

This post needs a little clarification. Anyway, many of you are aware of the brilliant Vote Coasters project over at Coaster Bot. If not, take a look: https://coasterbot.com/votecoasters-fullresults2020
2699 enthusiasts from across the wrold people ranked every roller coaster they've ever ridden, at an average of 43 coaster credits per voter (116256 total credits). Many of you personally participated in this survey. Their algorithm is extremely clever (https://coasterbot.com/votecoasters-how) - "The community is only permitted to rank roller coasters they’ve actually ridden. This way each roller coasters position in the final results will be as truthful and accurate as possible. By making it easy for lots of people to contribute their lists, Vote Coasters is able to accumulate a large sample which represents everyone! Once the community has voted, the numbers are crunched. Our method involves directly comparing the rank of two individual roller coasters across all of the submitted lists. As Vote Coasters makes direct comparisons between individual roller coasters, the poll is not a popularity contest. Even obscure roller coasters that few people have had the chance to ride yet can do well!"
I have taken this data and created a point system for coasters that's directly linked to their ranking on Vote Coasters 2020. The #1 ranking, Steel Vengeance, is worth 500 points. [Zadra's second and would be worth 499 points, but it's not in the US] #3, Lightning Rod, gets 498 points. El Toro gets 497 points and so on, all the way down to La Vibora in 499th place, earning only 2 points for its park. Any coaster under the top 500 (such as Corkscrew at Cedar Point) is worth zero points. This weeds out kiddie coasters and terrible coasters from factoring into a park's collection quality. Basically, crappy coasters add zero points to a park's total points, while excellent coasters are worth way more points than mid-tier ones. For coasters with two tracks, such as Gemini or Lightning Racer, I only counted points for the best of the two tracks. My spreadsheet showing the point values for all 256 American coasters in the top 500 is here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10aaS1f8CptsXEvUSqE2-VUtal-Od9gim-x8rT7xkT8M/edit?usp=sharing
I have added all of the points for the coasters in all of the 73 American amusement parks that house at least one global top 500 roller coaster. I ranked the earned point totals for all 73 parks. (That's how I got to a "Top 73!") For those like me who care exclusively about coasters and collecting quality credits and nothing else, I think this is an EXCELLENT way to prioritize future amusement park trips based on the quality of each park's overall coaster collection. Without further ado, here's what you want to see:

1 (4149 points): Cedar Point - Sandusky, OH

17 coasters

1 - Steel Vengeance (2018, RMC IBox)
8 - Maverick (2007, Intamin Blitz)
28 - Millennium Force (2000, Intamin Giga)
33 - Top Thrill Dragster (2003, Intamin Accelerator)
105 - Raptor (1994, B&M Invert)
113 - Magnum XL-200 (1989, Arrow Hyper)
140 - Gatekeeper (2013, B&M Wing)
173 - Valravn (2016, B&M Dive)
260 - Rougarou (1996, B&M Floorless)
324 - Gemini (1978, Arrow Dueling SCS)
325 - Wicked Twister (2002, Intamin Impulse)
363 - Blue Streak (1964, PTC Woodie)
491 - Iron Dragon (1987, Arrow Suspended)
Unranked: Cedar Creek Mine Ride, Corkscrew, Wilderness Run, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 260.67/500

2 (3704 points): Six Flags Magic Mountain - Valencia, CA

19 coasters

17 - Twisted Colossus (RMC IBox Quasi Mobius)
26 - X2 (2002, Arrow 4th Dimension)
64 - Tatsu (2006, B&M Flyer)
131 - Full Throttle (2013, Premier Rides Sky Rocket III)
203 - Batman The Ride (1994, B&M Invert)
214 - Apocalypse the Ride (2009, GCI Woodie)
216 - Riddler's Revenge (1998, B&M Stand-Up)
219 - Goliath (2000, Giovanola Mega)
289 - West Coast Racers (2020, Premier Rides Quasi Mobius)
312 - Scream! (2003, B&M Floorless)
342 - Superman: Escape from Krypton (1997, Intamin Freefall)
409 - New Revolution (1976, Schwarzkopf Steel)
413 - Ninja (1988, Arrow Suspended)
455 - Viper (1990, Arrow Looper)
Unranked: Canyon Blaster, Gold Rusher, Magic Flyer, Road Runner Express, Speedy Gonzales Hot Rod Racers
Average coaster ranking: 305.79/500

3 (2735 points): Kings Island - Mason, OH

14 coasters

43 - Mystic Timbers (2017, GCI Woodie)
52 - Diamondback (2009, B&M Hyper)
65 - Orion (2020, B&M Giga)
106 - Banshee (2014, B&M Invert)
116 - Beast (1979, KECO Woodie)
275 - Flight of Fear (1996, Premier Rides LIM Dark Ride)
294 - Bat (1993, Arrow Suspended)
383 - Backlot Stunt Coaster (2005, Premier Rides Steel)
440 - Racer (1972, PTC Dueling Woodie)
Unranked: Adventure Express, Flying Ace Aerial Chase, Great Pumpkin Coaster, Invertigo, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 305.29/500

4 (2722 points): Six Flags Great America - Gurnee, IL

15 coasters

56 - Goliath (2014, RMC Topper Woodie)
107 - Maxx Force (2019, S&S Launch)
123 - Raging Bull (1999, B&M Hyper)
179 - Batman The Ride (1992, B&M Invert)
229 - X-Flight (2012, B&M Wing)
243 - Viper (1995, SFGA Cyclone)
268 - Superman - Ultimate Flight (2003, B&M Flyer)
330 - American Eagle (1981, Intamin Dueling Woodie)
375 - Vertical Velocity (2001, Intamin Impulse)
378 - Whizzer (1976, Schwarzkopf Speed Racer)
Unranked: Dark Knight, Demon, Joker, Little Dipper, Sprocket Rockets
Average coaster ranking: 327.07/500

5 (2540 points): Hersheypark - Hershey, PA

14 coasters

14 - Skyrush (2012, Intamin Wing)
60 - Storm Runner (2004, Intamin Accelerator)
85 - Candymonium (2020, B&M Hyper)
134 - Fahrenheit (2008, Intamin Multi-Inversion)
152 - Great Bear (1998, B&M Invert)
200 - Lightning Racer (2000, GCI Dueling Woodie)
402 - Sooperdooperlooper (1977, Schwarzkopf Looping Speedracer)
421 - Comet (1946, PTC Woodie)
Unranked: Cocoa Cruiser, Laff Trakk, Sidewinder, Trailblazer, Wild Mouse, Wildcat
Average coaster ranking: 311.53/500

6 (2386 points): Six Flags Great Adventure - Jackson, NJ

12 coasters

4 - El Toro (2006, Intamin Prefab Woodie)
68 - Nitro (2001, B&M Hyper)
108 - Kingda Ka (2005, Intamin Accelerator)
146 - Bizarro (1999, B&M Floorless)
193 - Batman The Ride (1993, B&M Invert)
259 - Superman - Ultimate Flight (B&M Flyer)
417 - Green Lantern (2011, B&M Stand-Up)
427 - Joker (2016, S&S Free Spin)
Unranked: Dark Knight, Harley Quinn Crazy Train, Runaway Mine Train, Skull Mountain
Average coaster ranking: 301.83/500

7 (2070 points): Six Flags Over Georgia - Austell, GA

10 coasters

59 - Goliath (2006, B&M Hyper)
69 - Twisted Cyclone (2018, RMC IBox)
197 - Batman The Ride (1997, B&M Invert)
199 - Mind Bender (1978, Schwarzkopf Steel)
256 - Superman - Ultimate Flight (2002, B&M Flyer)
313 - Georgia Scorcher (1999, B&M Stand-Up)
360 - Dare Devil Dive (2011, Gerstlauer Euro-Fighter)
485 - Great American Scream Machine (1973, PTC Woodie)
Unranked: Blue Hawk, Dahlonega Mine Train, Joker Funhouse Coaster
Average coaster ranking: 312.55/500

8 (2031 points): Busch Gardens Williamsburg - Williamsburg, VA

8 coasters

76 - Alpengeist (1997, B&M Invert)
80 - Apollo's Chariot (1999, B&M Hyper)
112 - Griffon (2007, B&M Dive)
183 - Verbolten (2012, Zierer Launch)
288 - Loch Ness Monster (1978, Arrow Looper)
352 - InvadR (2017, GCI Woodie)
385 - Tempesto (2015, Premier Rides Sky Rocket)
Unranked: Grover's Alpine Express
Average coaster ranking: 210.86/500

9 (2013 points): Busch Gardens Tampa - Tampa, FL

9 coasters

44 - Montu (1996, B&M Invert)
90 - Kumba (1993, B&M Sitting)
109 - Cheetah Hunt (2011, Intamin Blitz)
114 - SheiKra (2005, B&M Dive)
317 - Tigris (2019, Premier Rides Sky Rocket)
405 - Cobra's Curse (2016, Mack X-Treme Spinning)
415 - Scorpion (1980, Schwarzkopf Silverarrow)
Unranked: Air Grover, Sand Serpent
Average coaster ranking: 277.11/500

10 (1855 points): Dollywood - Pigeon Forge, TN

9 coasters

3 - Lightning Rod (RMC Launched Topper)
119 - Thunderhead (2004, GCI Woodie)
185 - Tennessee Tornado (1999, Arrow Looper)
232 - Wild Eagle (2012, B&M Wing)
279 - Mystery Mine (2007, Gerstlauer Euro-Fighter)
362 - Firechaser Express (2014, Gerstlauer Family Coaster)
472 - Dragonflier (2019, Vekoma SFC)
Unranked: Blazing Fury, Whistle Punk Coaster
Average coaster ranking: 294.67/500

11 (1819 points): Carowinds - Charlotte, NC

14 coasters

5 - Fury 325 (2015, B&M Giga)
84 - Afterburn (1999, B&M Invert)
93 - Copperhead Strike (2019, Mack Launch)
110 - Intimidator (2010, B&M Hyper)
394 - Nighthawk (2004, Vekoma Flying Dutchman)
Unranked: Carolina Cyclone, Carolina Goldrusher, Flying Cobras, Hurler, Kiddy Hawk, Ricochet, Vortex, Wilderness Run, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 370.43/500

12 (1795 points): Six Flags Fiesta Texas - San Antonio, TX

10 coasters

37 - Iron Rattler (2013, RMC IBox)
47 - Wonder Woman Golden Lasso Coaster (2018, RMC Raptor)
137 - Superman Krypton Coaster (2000, B&M Floorless)
250 - Goliath (2008, B&M Invert)
314 - Poltergeist (1999, Premier Rides Launch)
426 - Batman The Ride (2015, S&S Free-Spin)
Unranked: Boomerang, Pandemonium, Road Runner Express, Streamliner Coaster
Average coaster ranking: 321.10/500

13 (1739 points): Knott's Berry Farm - Buena Park, CA

10 coasters

45 - GhostRider (1998, CCI Woodie)
66 - Xcelerator (2002, Intamin Accelerator)
167 - HangTime (2018, Gerstlauer Infinity)
191 - Silver Bullet (2004, B&M Invert)
340 - Montezooma's Revenge (1998, Schwarzkopf Shuttle Loop)
458 - Sierra Sidewinder (2007, Mack Spinning)
Unranked: Coast Rider, Jaguar!, Pony Express, Timberline Twister
Average coaster ranking: 326.70/500

14 (1715 points): Kings Dominion (Doswell, VA)

12 coasters

20 - Twisted Timbers (2018, RMC IBox)
21 - Intimidator 305 (2010, Intamin Giga)
153 - Dominator (2008, B&M Floorless)
300 - Flight of Fear (1996, Premier Rides Launch)
416 - Racer 75 (1975, PTC Dueling Woodie)
422 - Backlot Stunt Coaster (2006, Premier Rides Steel)
460 - Grizzly (1982, PTC Woodie)
Unranked: Anaconda, Apple Zapple, Avalanche, Great Pumpkin Coaster, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 359.54/500

15 (1710 points): Six Flags Over Texas (Arlington, TX)

13 coasters

70 - New Texas Giant (2011, RMC IBox)
129 - Mr. Freeze Reverse Blast (1998, Premier Rides Shuttle Loop)
189 - Shock Wave (1978, Schwarzkopf Looper)
207 - Titan (2001, Giovanola Mega)
251 - Batman The Ride (1999, B&M Invert)
452 - Joker (2017, S&S Free-Spin)
499 - La Vibora (1986, Intamin Swiss Bob)
Unranked: Judge Roy Scream, Mini Mine Train, Pandemonium, Runaway Mine Train, Runaway Mountain, Wile E. Coyote's Grand Canyon Blaster
Average coaster ranking: 369.00/500

16 (1666 points): Silver Dollar City - Branson, MO

7 coasters

18 - Outlaw Run (2013, RMC Topper Woodie)
49 - Time Traveler (2018, Mack Xtreme Spinning)
162 - Wildfire (2001, B&M Sitting)
177 - Powder Keg: A Blast in the Wilderness (1999, Premiere Rides/S&S Hybrid)
433 - Thunderation (1993, Arrow Mine Train)
Unranked: Fire in the Hole, Grand Exposition Coaster
Average coaster ranking: 262.71/500

17 (1646 points): Kennywood - West Mifflin, PA

8 coasters

32 - Phantom's Revenge (1991, Arrow/Morgan Hyper)
117 - Steel Curtain (2019, S&S Steel)
261 - Thunderbolt (1924, Andy Vettel/NADC Woodie)
270 - Jack Rabbit (1920, John A. Miller Woodie)
290 - Sky Rocket (2010, Premier Rides Sky Rocket)
390 - Racer (1927, John. A Miller Mobius Woodie)
Unranked: Exterminator, Lil' Phantom
Average coaster ranking: 295.00/500

18 (1605 points): Holiday World - Santa Claus, IN

5 coasters

6 - The Voyage (2006, Gravity Group Woodie)
82 - Thunderbird (2015, B&M Launched Wing)
141 - Legend (2000, CCI Woodie)
170 - Raven (1995, CCI Woodie)
Unranked: Howler
Average coaster ranking: 179.80/500

19 (1367 points): Six Flags St. Louis - Eureka, MO

9 coasters

132 - Mr. Freeze Reverse Blast (1998, Premier Rides Shuttle Loop)
156 - American Thunder (2008, GCI Woodie)
211 - Batman The Ride (1995, B&M Invert)
283 - Boss (2000, CCI Woodie)
356 - Screamin' Eagle (1976, PTC Woodie)
Unranked: Boomerang, Ninja, Pandemonium, River King Mine Train
Average coaster ranking: 348.67/500

20 (1358 points): SeaWorld Orlando - Orlando, FL

5 coasters

35 - Mako (2016, B&M Hyper)
102 - Manta (2009, B&M Flyer)
128 - Kraken (2000, B&M Floorless)
381 - Journey to Atlantis (1998, Mack Water Coaster)
Unranked: Super Grover's Box Car Derby
Average coaster ranking: 229.20/500

21 (1205 points): California's Great America - Santa Clara, CA

9 coasters

39 - RailBlazer (2018, RMC Raptor)
72 - Gold Striker (2013, GCI Woodie)
187 - Flight Deck (1993, B&M Invert)
Unranked: Demon, Grizzly, Lucy's Crabbie Cabbies, Patriot, Psycho Mouse, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 366.44/500

22 (1190 points): Kentucky Kingdom - Louisville, KY

6 coasters

19 - Storm Chaser (2016, RMC IBox)
58 - Lightning Run (2014, Chance Rides Hyper GT-X)
355 - Kentucky Flyer (2019, Gravity Group Woodie)
382 - Thunder Run (1990, Dinn Corporation Woodie)
Unranked: Roller Skater, T3
Average coaster ranking: 302.33/500

23 (1166 points): Six Flags New England - Agawam, MA

12 coasters

22 - Wicked Cyclone (2015, RMC IBox)
29 - Superman the Ride (2000, Intamin Hyper)
286 - Batman - The Dark Knight (2002, B&M Floorless)
Unranked: Catwoman's Whip, Flashback, Goliath, Gotham City Gauntlet Escape from Arkham Asylum, Great Chase, Joker, Pandemonium, Riddler Revenge, Thunderbolt
Average coaster ranking: 403.08/500

24 (1157 points): Six Flags Discovery Kingdom - Vallejo, CA

10 coasters

98 - Joker (2016, RMC IBox)
163 - Medusa (2000, B&M Floorless)
304 - Flash: Vertical Velocity (2001, Intamin Impulse)
307 - Superman Ultimate Flight (2012, Premier Rides Sky Rocket)
476 - Batman The Ride (2019, S&S Free-Spin)
Unranked: Boomerang Coast to Coaster, Cobra, Harley Quinn Crazy Coaster, Kong, Roadrunner Express
Average coaster ranking: 384.80/500

25 (1060 points): Dorney Park & Wildwater Kingdom - Allentown, PA

7 coasters

151 - Talon (2001, B&M Invert)
181 - Steel Force (1997, Morgan Hyper)
215 - Hydra the Revenge (2005, B&M Floorless)
397 - Possessed (2008, Intamin Impulse)
Unranked: Thunderhawk, Wild Mouse, Woodstock Express
Average coaster ranking: 349.14/500

26 (957 points): Worlds of Fun (7 coasters, 3 ranked)

27 (902 points): Knoebels (6 coasters, 4 ranked)

28 (855 points): SeaWorld San Antonio (6 coasters, 3 ranked)

29 (827 points): Universal Studios Florida (4 coasters, 3 ranked)

30 (816 points): Islands of Adventure (4 coasters, 2 ranked)

31 (816 points): Six Flags America (9 coasters, 4 ranked)

32 (704 points): Valleyfair! (8 coasters, 3 ranked)

33 (703 points): Mt. Olympus (5 coasters, 3 ranked)

34 (685 points): Silverwood (6 coasters, 3 ranked)

35 (682 points): Lagoon (10 coasters, 3 ranked)

36 (652 points): Disneyland (4 coasters, 3 ranked)

37 (584 points): Lake Compounce (5 coasters, 2 ranked)

38 (564 points): Indiana Beach (5 coasters, 4 ranked)

39 (481 points): Nickelodeon Universe New Jersey (5 coasters, 3 ranked)

40 (455 points): Six Flags Darien Lake (8 coasters, 2 ranked)

41 (430 points): Waldameer (5 coasters, 1 ranked)

42 (398 points): Michigan's Adventure (6 coasters, 1 ranked)

43 (390 points): Kemah Boardwalk (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

44 (389 points): Adventureland Iowa (5 coasters, 2 ranked)

45 (365 points): Alabama Adventure (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

46 (361 points): Magic Kingdom (4 coasters, 3 ranked)

47 (347 points): Disney's Hollywood Studios (2 coasters, 2 ranked)

48 (340 points): Fun Spot America Kissimmee (4 coasters, 1 ranked)

49 (323 points): Disney's Animal Kingdom (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

50 (288 points): Luna Park (6 coasters, 1 ranked)

51 (275 points): Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk (3 coasters, 1 ranked)

52 (273 points): Disney California Adventure Park (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

53 (268 points): Fun Spot America Orlando (3 coasters, 1 ranked)

54 (259 points): ZDT's Amusement Park (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

55 (258 points): SeaWorld San Diego (4 coasters, 2 ranked)

56 (239 points): Playland's Castaway Cove (4 coasters, 1 ranked)

57 (224 points): Beech Bend (3 coasters, 1 ranked)

58 (216 points): Universal Studios Hollywood (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

59 (206 points): Quassy Amusement Park (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

60 (195 points): Sesame Place (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

61 (175 points): Great Escape (6 coasters, 1 ranked)

62 (158 points): Buffalo Bill's Resort & Casino (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

63 (156 points): Galveston Island Historic Pleasure Pier (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

64 (151 points): Bay Beach Amusement Park (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

65 (137 points): Adventuredome (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

66 (127 points): Morey's Piers (7 coasters, 1 ranked)

67 (98 points): Casino Pier (3 coasters, 1 ranked)

68 (97 points): Nickelodeon Universe Minnesota (5 coasters, 1 ranked)

69 (93 points): Frontier City (5 coasters, 1 ranked)

70 (37 points): Adventureland New York (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

71 (17 points): Lakemont Park (3 coasters, 1 ranked)

72 (12 points): Conneaut Lake Park (2 coasters, 1 ranked)

73 (8 points): Belmont Park (1 coaster, 1 ranked)

If any coaster YouTube channel wants to use this data to fuel an idea for a new video (sup Airtime Thrills or Coaster Studios or, you know, COASTER BOT!), please feel free! 100% of the credit goes to Coaster Bot for helping me compile this ranking.

Period: 364.05 days

	Submissions	Comments
Total	1000	3465
Rate (per day)	2.75	9.48
Unique Redditors	235	1337
Combined Score	44480	12132

Top Submitters' Top Submissions

1. 4310 points, 85 submissions: Superbuddhapunk
   
   1. Margaret Hamilton, NASA's lead software engineer for the Apollo Program, stands next to the code she wrote by hand that took Humanity to the moon in 1969. (252 points, 15 comments)
   2. Close Encounters of the Third Kind Geocache in Northern Italy (241 points, 10 comments)
   3. Cleaning tips from CleaningTips (194 points, 3 comments)
   4. Cheesy Origins - The etymologies behind the names of some of the world's most popular cheeses. (169 points, 45 comments)
   5. Around the World in 50 traditional breakfast dishes (155 points, 30 comments)
   6. Roosevelt dime 10c coin Mint error, off center strikes (142 points, 7 comments)
   7. President Obama Roasts Donald Trump At White House Correspondents’ Dinner (2011) (138 points, 30 comments)
   8. Beautiful elderly Common Snapping Turtle just coming to say Hello. Spring Lake, San Marcos, TX (137 points, 6 comments)
   9. Christmas tree in the main hall of the Galleries Lafayette department store in Paris, France. (124 points, 5 comments)
   10. Not open during a CAT 5 hurricane? 1 star for you! (119 points, 7 comments)
2. 3607 points, 135 submissions: 0and18
   
   1. The final Calvin and Hobbes strip ran on Sunday, December 31, 1995 (170 points, 6 comments)
   2. ‘The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved,’ by Hunter S. Thompson (85 points, 3 comments)
   3. Between 1995 and 2000 music companies were found to have used illegal marketing agreements such as minimum advertised pricing to artificially inflate prices of compact discs in order to end price wars by discounters such as Best Buy and Target in the early 1990s. (81 points, 1 comment)
   4. Yuki-toKori discovers his new jeans have a hidden inside pocket for a condom (80 points, 12 comments)
   5. Geof Darrow’s Hard Boiled (77 points, 2 comments)
   6. His Face All Red by Emily Carroll (73 points, 4 comments)
   7. American Public School teachers do not get paid over summer break. (68 points, 45 comments)
   8. The Pervert Who Changed America: How Larry Flynt Fought the Law and Won (66 points, 0 comments)
   9. This chart shows the most common display resolutions, makes zero sense to me. (64 points, 17 comments)
   10. Two Michiganders arrive in hell (64 points, 3 comments)
3. 2511 points, 38 submissions: InvisibleLemons
   
   1. The House of Slaves in Gorée Island, Senegal, is a museum and memorial dedicated to the Atlantic slave trade that some believe served as a major trading port for slaves captured from Africa. It's argued that up to 15 million people were put through the “Door of No Return” and shipped off as slaves. (175 points, 2 comments)
   2. Anna Bērzkalne was the first Latvian to earn a degree in Folkloric Studies. She purposely wrote her thesis in English rather than German as a form of non-violent resistance against the Nazi occupation of Latvia during World War II. Her degree was not recognized by the Soviet authorities. (138 points, 2 comments)
   3. Losing a language means more than the disappearance of words. This six-part film and multimedia experience follows four Indigenous communities who are revitalizing their languages and cultures. (136 points, 5 comments)
   4. Hilma af Klint belonged to "The Five", a circle of women who shared her belief in the importance of trying to make contact with what she called the High Masters, often by way of séances. Her paintings, which sometimes resemble diagrams, were a visual representation of complex spiritual ideas. (129 points, 7 comments)
   5. Stephen Duneier, aka Yarn Bomber, has the world record for the largest crochet granny square made by a single person. The granny square measures 1,311 square feet, weighs over 60 pounds, took two years to make, and has over a half million stitches. (120 points, 7 comments)
   6. Fictional Map from one of my favorite book series as a child, Dinotopia (117 points, 7 comments)
   7. The indigenous city of Cahokia, across the river from St. Louis, is thought have had at most 40,000 people living there. Cahokia was large enough to have suburbs and had an equal pop. to London in the 1200s. No city would have surpassed it's pop. in north America until Philadelphia in the 1780s (112 points, 8 comments)
   8. Rand Paul was the national debt for halloween in 2015. He said it was a very scary costume. (104 points, 23 comments)
   9. World's Largest Rubber Stamp in Cleveland, Ohio (104 points, 7 comments)
   10. In 1949, Warren Buffett, the most successful investor in the world, was infatuated with a young woman whose boyfriend had a ukulele. In an attempt to compete, he bought a ukulele and has been playing it ever since, often at stock meetings. (93 points, 3 comments)
4. 2256 points, 58 submissions: sbroue
   
   1. A successful slave rebellion against the French made Haiti the second independent nation in the Americas. (118 points, 2 comments)
   2. Rare 300-Year-Old 'Beard Tax' Coin Discovered in Russia (112 points, 4 comments)
   3. The song Funiculi Funicula was composed to celebrate the opening of a Funicular railway up Mt Vesuvius (87 points, 5 comments)
   4. Wave Rock West Australia (87 points, 4 comments)
   5. Internet trolls are not who I thought — they're even scarier (77 points, 2 comments)
   6. Ethiopian 18th Century crown returns home (75 points, 1 comment)
   7. The Shocking True Tale Of The Mad Genius Who Invented Sea-Monkeys (75 points, 6 comments)
   8. When America Despised the Irish: The 19th Century’s Refugee Crisis (71 points, 0 comments)
   9. Blue Weevils "wrestling" (70 points, 8 comments)
   10. Step Inside the World's Most Dangerous Garden (If You Dare) (70 points, 4 comments)
5. 1879 points, 49 submissions: tillandsia
   
   1. What do you mean we, paleface? (128 points, 4 comments)
   2. In the myth of Narcissus, Nemesis, goddess of revenge, decides to punish Narcissus. She lures him to a pool, where he leans upon the water and sees himself in the bloom of youth. Falling deeply in love with his reflection, and unable to leave, he melts away, eventually turning into a flower. (112 points, 2 comments)
   3. Fragment of a Queen's Face, possibly either Queen Nefertiti or Tiye, Egypt, New Kingdom, Amarna period, ca. 1353-1336 B.C. (97 points, 4 comments)
   4. Pumpkin Spice Latte Tiramisu (81 points, 17 comments)
   5. 1970s Key West (76 points, 12 comments)
   6. The garbage pickup on my street, before covid, was always sometimes a minute before 8 am, sometimes a couple of minutes after. Sitting in the house, drinking my coffee on Monday and Thursday mornings, I'd always know what time it was when I'd hear the truck. (74 points, 3 comments)
   7. How to make spaetzel, a pasta made with fresh eggs (68 points, 6 comments)
   8. ‘The Death of Marat’: A Powerful Painting of One of the French Revolution’s Most Famous Murders (66 points, 8 comments)
   9. Color Aid Paper, used in art school to teach Josef Albers' theory of color (62 points, 5 comments)
   10. Not a lizard nor a dinosaur, tuatara is the sole survivor of a once-widespread reptile group (62 points, 1 comment)
6. 1857 points, 26 submissions: Mr_Caterpillar
   
   1. Diane's NPR ringtones [Bojack Horseman] (227 points, 15 comments)
   2. The Hulk throws a bear into space (173 points, 15 comments)
   3. Bryan Cranston tells the story of an ad-libbed joke as dentist Tim Whatley on Seinfeld (133 points, 3 comments)
   4. There's something about holding a good, solid mace in your hand (124 points, 8 comments)
   5. Side-by-Side scenes from Ghost in the Shell and the original animated film (107 points, 7 comments)
   6. Twilight in Prague (97 points, 2 comments)
   7. Roller Derby Fact [SLAM #1] (91 points, 3 comments)
   8. Tracer Bullet - Calvin and Hobbes' hardboiled detective parody (89 points, 4 comments)
   9. Mapping out the evolution of Rock Music from the film School of Rock (88 points, 24 comments)
   10. Ronald Jenkees started his career by making music in his bedroom and posting to youtube. This is his song "Try The Bass" (77 points, 10 comments)
7. 1120 points, 27 submissions: coiso
   
   1. a high school football coach got half the fans of his own team to cheer for the other team, because the other team was from a maximum-security juvenile correctional facility and didn't have any fans of their own (157 points, 5 comments)
   2. Animals see more colours than humans. Here's a chart. (135 points, 16 comments)
   3. If a beta male mandrill wins a fight, it physically morphs into an alpha male over time, gaining facial coloration, bigger testicles, and the ability to breed.) (95 points, 6 comments)
   4. Urinetown - a 3 times tony award winner musical about a town where private toilets are outlawed... (68 points, 5 comments)
   5. Stormtrooper hits his head (63 points, 4 comments)
   6. The story of grindcore: "This isn't metal, it isn't punk, I don't know what the f**k these guys are doing" (61 points, 1 comment)
   7. the longest single set at the laugh factory lasted 7h and 34m (by Dane Cook in 2008). (58 points, 64 comments)
   8. 5 Ways to Spot Greenwashing (51 points, 1 comment)
   9. Jeffrey Dahmer’s Childhood Friend Talks About His Graphic Novel "My Friend Dahmer" and Its Movie Adaptation (41 points, 3 comments)
   10. Daily life in Russia – gallery by The Guardian readers (38 points, 1 comment)
8. 1097 points, 23 submissions: gorditasimpatica
   
   1. “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” (126 points, 3 comments)
   2. The First Labor Strike in History: In 1159 BCE, the tomb-builders and artisans at Set-Ma’at refused to wait any longer for their wages and marched toward the city shouting “We are hungry!” (125 points, 2 comments)
   3. Get the feel of a winner, 1978 Sears Catalog (104 points, 6 comments)
   4. Polls are not always right (90 points, 38 comments)
   5. "Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against totalitarianism..." (84 points, 4 comments)
   6. The Sonoran Desert is thought to have the greatest species diversity of any desert in North America, including 60 species of mammals, 350 bird species, 20 amphibians, 100 reptiles, 30 species of native fish and more than 2,000 species of plants (77 points, 5 comments)
   7. They took away our land, our language, and our religion; but they could never harness our tongues..." Brendan Behan (76 points, 6 comments)
   8. "Lafayette We Are Here" (59 points, 2 comments)
   9. The Wuppertal Suspension Railway is the oldest electric elevated railway with hanging cars in the world. Designed by Eugen Langen, it opened in 1901 and is still in use as public transport, moving 25 million passengers annually. (56 points, 2 comments)
   10. Mugshot model Jeremy Meeks continues his topless runway streak (44 points, 1 comment)
9. 1062 points, 18 submissions: eladarling
   
   1. Ways the Great Lakes try to Murder Ships - illustrated (219 points, 17 comments)
   2. The Dunning-Kruger Effect: the least competent are more likely to overestimate their ability (123 points, 4 comments)
   3. Before video games, Nintendo sold a variety of other products including playing cards depicting nude women, and by-the-hour sex hotels. Their first big customer was the Yakuza, who used their cards in illegal casinos. (106 points, 6 comments)
   4. Earl Grey tea is black tea flavored with oil of bergamot, a green citrus fruit grown mostly in Italy (105 points, 9 comments)
   5. "At Last," Etta James's signature song that most people today associate with her (75 points, 3 comments)
   6. One of the largest piñatas on record was a 65 ft tall donkey filled with 8000 lb of candy. It was smashed open with a wrecking ball to release the sweets inside. (74 points, 3 comments)
   7. World Islands, a cluster of man-made islands in Dubai, was supposed to be a lavish multicultural paradise. Most are still undeveloped or abandoned due to economic, climate, and construction issues. (62 points, 3 comments)
   8. What If God Was One of Us - Joan Osborne (56 points, 2 comments)
   9. GonzoVR was a short lived VR app where users could drive an rc car around my living room and buy treats for my dog Gonzo (40 points, 4 comments)
   10. Hysteria High: How Demons Destroyed a Florida School (35 points, 1 comment)
10. 1024 points, 22 submissions: ShimataDominquez
    
    1. The head of a tapeworm under an electron microscope (256 points, 19 comments)
    2. What happens when you have heated tile flooring (150 points, 4 comments)
    3. Jon Stewart Deep Dish Rant (84 points, 14 comments)
    4. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida The Simpsons take on a Psychedelic Rock classic (82 points, 4 comments)
    5. Ewoks should have met a terrible fate, scientists say (46 points, 0 comments)
    6. Robocop Commercials (38 points, 2 comments)
    7. Green Onions (32 points, 1 comment)
    8. The Jetsons! (32 points, 0 comments)
    9. Frank Lloyd Wright, a narcissist and control freak. (31 points, 8 comments)
    10. Why is smiling being frowned upon in the Russian culture? (31 points, 11 comments)

Top Commenters

1. 0and18 (659 points, 466 comments)
2. jostler57 (145 points, 40 comments)
3. Otterfan (139 points, 19 comments)
4. Superbuddhapunk (124 points, 43 comments)
5. astronoob (110 points, 7 comments)
6. anotherkeebler (101 points, 23 comments)
7. Goyteamsix (94 points, 21 comments)
8. goofballl (85 points, 14 comments)
9. thespaceghetto (84 points, 20 comments)
10. swizzler (81 points, 21 comments)

Top Submissions

1. The head of a tapeworm under an electron microscope by ShimataDominquez (256 points, 19 comments)
2. Margaret Hamilton, NASA's lead software engineer for the Apollo Program, stands next to the code she wrote by hand that took Humanity to the moon in 1969. by Superbuddhapunk (252 points, 15 comments)
3. Close Encounters of the Third Kind Geocache in Northern Italy by Superbuddhapunk (241 points, 10 comments)
4. It's Dangerous to go Alone... by yankee4357 (228 points, 11 comments)
5. Diane's NPR ringtones [Bojack Horseman] by Mr_Caterpillar (227 points, 15 comments)
6. Ways the Great Lakes try to Murder Ships - illustrated by eladarling (219 points, 17 comments)
7. How a deep sea blobfish looks with and without the extreme water pressure by Imaginary-Cow (216 points, 10 comments)
8. How to Talk Minnesotan: The Power of the Negative by SteelWool (203 points, 5 comments)
9. Cleaning tips from CleaningTips by Superbuddhapunk (194 points, 3 comments)
10. All movies on IMDB are rated on a ten-point scale. All except one. by anotherkeebler (188 points, 9 comments)

Top Comments

1. 48 points: jesseaknight's comment in In the show St. Elsewhere, a character in the finale is shown to have thought of the whole series, which means he also made up all the shows that had crossovers with St. Elsewhere. This expands into the shows that were mentioned in the shows. There is at this point 419 shows in this universe
2. 44 points: Derosa6037's comment in the longest single set at the laugh factory lasted 7h and 34m (by Dane Cook in 2008).
3. 43 points: astronoob's comment in Margaret Hamilton, NASA's lead software engineer for the Apollo Program, stands next to the code she wrote by hand that took Humanity to the moon in 1969.
4. 42 points: rus_reddit's comment in Rand Paul was the national debt for halloween in 2015. He said it was a very scary costume.
5. 40 points: thejesiah's comment in Close Encounters of the Third Kind Geocache in Northern Italy
6. 38 points: electro_hippie's comment in Why is smiling being frowned upon in the Russian culture?
7. 37 points: SlideNERD's comment in The head of a tapeworm under an electron microscope
8. 37 points: wtfisthisnoise's comment in Is U.S. income tax invalid because Ohio wasn’t legally a state when the 16th amendment was ratified?
9. 35 points: Otterfan's comment in President Obama Roasts Donald Trump At White House Correspondents’ Dinner (2011)
10. 35 points: _Foy's comment in Ways the Great Lakes try to Murder Ships - illustrated

Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Stats

Hey everyone! I'm trying to put together a game where my players will be apart of an organization that protects the human world (or really just the city they'll be playing in) from otherworldly/magical/etc. threats. The city seems to be a focal point for strange occurrences, magical creatures and beings, portals, etc. If anyone remembers Special Unit 2 from the early 00's, it's like that. (Man I loved that show.) And this is the map I'm using, just changing the name but the layout and places of interest are mostly staying the same.
Edit: Wow! Thanks guys! Totally didn't expect this to get as many as it did, this is a wealth of sidequests. Thank you so much! If you want to check out SU2 I'm pretty sure there are some episodes on YouTube. Its heavy on the cheese and it'll be really dated by today's standards but it was a good time.

1. A connection to the Feywild has happened in one of the city parks. An elf finds his way through and finds it entertaining to enlarge small animals.
   
2. Thieves have stolen an artifact from the history museum, reanimating a mummy in one of the exhibits.
   
3. An unusual amount of sharks have been seen near the docks. Boats are being attacked by Sahuagin raiders.
   
4. A surge of chaotic magic bursts and causes the creation of multiple Mephits. (Depending on location)
   
5. An edgy teen visits a graveyard to perform a necromantic ritual. He doesnt know that the "spell book" he has actually contains an incantation that raises several undead and is now in over his head.
   
6. A dead body found, torn apart, all signs point to someone summoning a low level demon and using it as the murder weapon.
   
7. Somebody figured out how to brew love potions and now they are selling them on the streets.
   
8. A portal to the elemental plane of water opened in the city's water supply. Now wild water elementals are pouring out of showers, sinks, and fountains.
   
9. A skyscraper acquires an elemental spirit. The movements start off so subtle that they could be mistaken for the wind, but they become stranger and stronger with each passing day.
   
10. Zoo animals begin take on dire traits and break out their enclosures.
    
11. Goodberries become an invasive plant through runners, never flower, never fruit, just keep branching out.
    
12. Turns out the royal family were lizardfolk.
    
13. An a little person (Halfling arcane trickster) is hitting up all the casinos.
    
14. A cleric poses as the second coming of christ, oh he also caused covid 19.
    
15. An artificer constructing his own personal army of modrons.
    
16. Strange events in a swimming pool, several people have died by drowning (Water Weirds).
    
17. Rust monster moves into a construction site, eats and rusts the supports and the workers equipment.
    
18. The Native American Thunderbird is finally spotted, its a Roc.
    
19. Boogey man sighted by many families. An Oni is skulking between houses, looking for something or someone.
    
20. Monsters take up residence in an abandoned circus. Medusa in the house of mirrors. Rakshasa tending to tigers. An ogre in the strongman tent. A hag in the psychics caravan.
    
21. Kraken spotted near the mariana trench.
    
22. Running of the bull - a famous giant bull statue is turned into a gorgon and roams the streets.
    
23. A wizard has become a modern day frankenstein, constructing a flesh golem.
    
24. The gargoyles of a famous landmark come to life at night.
    
25. Duergar have been building tunnels in the underground and taking the tracks to increase their metal stores.
    
26. A dryad protects a park after witnessing too many people littering in its home.
    
27. A young shadow dragon takes offense at all the lights at night, ruining it's stealth and plans.
    
28. Barlgura takes a woman hostage and climbs to the top of a skyscraper.
    
29. A Bulette is reaking havoc on a nearby junction. The cars are disturbing its young.
    
30. Some jackass decided to magically enlarge a chicken so he can have bigger drumsticks. The spell worked, in fact it worked too well. The chicken's the size of an allosaurus and is rampaging down town!
    
31. The low income tenement housing is a blaze and the fire departments are having a terrible time putting out the flames ... largely due to the presence of an accidentally summoned fire elemental. Thankfully the elemental will return to the Plane of Fire in an hour when the spell ends.
    
32. A real live dinosaur walks through the screen at a viewing of Jurassic Park.
    
33. A few real zombies turn up in the middle of a walking dead (costume party / filming / LARP).
    
34. A group of adventurers walk through a portal. They end up attacking a group of larpers.
    
35. Dinosaur skeleton at a museum animates.
    
36. Men are disappearing around the (canals, docks, river, etc). Mermaids are luring them into the water.
    
37. Giant rats in someone's basement.
    
38. Terracotta soldiers at a museum animate.
    
39. Statues around the city have begun animating seemingly at random.
    
40. A group of pixies has developed a fascination with cars and keep stealing parts from them.
    
41. 3 people have gone missing on the 39th floor of the Enigma Enterprises office on 11th street. The building is only 35 stories tall.
    
42. The public library’s chief librarian just won her 1,402nd consecutive Employee of the Month award.
    
43. A local graffiti artist has starting to use a new tag that incorporates a design they saw in a museum exhibit on ancient writings. These tags begin acting as portals to... elsewhere.
    
44. A grafitti artist who has been illegaly spraying his art work around the city has suddenly started incorperating dangerous runes into his art that have several anomulous effects (like low gravity in an area or being part of a summoning ritual).
    
45. An amusement park has to shut down the log flume and other water rides due to an infestation of water weirds.
    
46. A subway tunnel collapses and traps a subway train after a portal opens and releases a Purple Worm into the tunnel, weakening the ceiling. Luckily another portal opened up soon thereafter and the purple worm was transported back to whichever fantasy world it came from.
    
47. A user posted the true name of a powerful demon on an old forum, and cultists are trying to steal the forum's retired servers from a warehouse before the data is overwritten.
    
48. A local shut in has accidentally started and broken a contract with a brownie
    
49. A blink dog is making a habit of stealing dog toys from dogs at the park
    
50. A water elemental gets stuck in the sewers due to the amount of human garbage
    
51. A gnome alchemist has been dosing coffee pots in cafes around the city with various potions for entertainment
    
52. An elven druid has convinced the local pigeon populace to fight back against corruption in office, targeting a mayoral candidate. the druid is working for another mayoral candidate who is forcing her to work for him by holding her pet familiar hostage
    
53. An artificer who came to our world has discovered firearms and has developed the world's first eldritch cannon, as such he is now being hunted by human military agencies that want his prototype
    
54. Beans from a bag of beans have somehow been mixed into a shipment of green beans to a grocery store
    
55. An annual dwarfism awareness event is populated almost entirely by halflings who entered the modern world illegally
    
56. A magical disease that causes those afflicted with it to dance even without music until they eventually collapse from exhaustion
    
57. Telepathic conversations are being picked up by cellphone calls, the snippets of audio are indicative of a plan to assassinate city's head of communications
    
58. An assistant at the local morgue has been found beaten to death, and several bodies are missing. There are spots of clay all over the morgue, and all the missing bodies are of women between the ages of 18-30. A lonely and insane wizard has created a clay golem and is now using it to find the parts he needs to make a flesh golem bride from himself.
    
59. There's been a series of mysterious deaths in the local red light district. Several Johns, and even a few Janes, have been found dead with no obvious cause, the only links between them is that they were all found in a state of undress, and they all had a look of horror on their faces. One of the prostitutes is actually a succubus in disguise, and she has been sucking the souls or her clients.
    
60. There's been talk about a changeling in the city who, for a price, will take the form of whoever you request and frame them for various crimes.
    
61. The rivalry between the goblin gang, The Sons of Gobbo, and the kobold gang, Tucker's Kobolds, is threatening to escalate to the point of gang warfare. Either peace is to be made between the two gangs, or a crackdown on one or both gangs is required.
    
62. A mated pair of wyverns are staking out the local park for a nesting ground. We've got to run off those wyverns before they settle down or else we'll have to call in the national guard... again.
    
63. Some poor fool bought what he thought was a monkey's paw, only for it to turn out to be the Hand of Vecna. We need to get it from him before he decides to do something stupid, like actually use it!
    
64. An artist's inspiration turns out to be extraplanar in nature, causing their gallery opening to becoming a summoning ritual.
    
65. A jewel heist takes a sinister turn as the pieces in question fit into a dangerous artefact. It's a race against time to find the exact location this artefact will be used and stop it.
    
66. A building demolition releases Dao who originally carved out the subway system. You've either got to banish them, or offer them something they want more than vengeance.
    
67. A tanker needs to be rescued before it can reach port. The cargo manifest points to illegal trafficking of Yuan-ti.
    
68. A local crime boss sparks a war in the streets. His motivation is a new found patron that has given him "unique" powers (level 1 spells at best).
    
69. Renovations of the university library uncovers tomes of magic causing a Revenge of the Nerds style scenario with pranks played on the local sports teams.
    
70. An artist's inspiration turns out to be extraplanar in nature, causing their gallery opening to becoming a summoning ritual.
    
71. A jewel heist takes a sinister turn as the pieces in question fit into a dangerous artefact. It's a race against time to find the exact location this artefact will be used and stop it.
    
72. A building demolition releases Dao who originally carved out the subway system. You've either got to banish them, or offer them something they want more than vengeance.
    
73. A tanker needs to be rescued before it can reach port. The cargo manifest points to illegal trafficking of Yuan-ti.
    
74. A local crime boss sparks a war in the streets. His motivation is a new found patron that has given him "unique" powers (level 1 spells at best).
    
75. Renovations of the university library uncovers tomes of magic causing a Revenge of the Nerds style scenario with pranks played on the local sports teams.
    
76. Someone is putting religious scrolls in the heads of the statues around town. They are coming alive as golems.
    
77. A necromancer has set up shop in the Natural History Museum. They tunneled into the back so are in the Human Origins exhibit, but they are headed towards the dinosaur bones.
    
78. Someone is making the paintings come alive!
    
79. Harpies are nesting in the dome of the Capitol building!
    
80. A siren in the river is causing drivers to drive off the bridge.
    
81. A bullette has fallen in love with one of the subway trains.
    
82. The Botanical Garden has come alive! Awakened trees and myconids and spore servants are causing panic!
    
83. If you were in NYC or Kentucky, a dragon has sniffed out the Federal Gold Reserves and is trying to make it his lair.
    
84. When you’re in the metro system, which is naturally full of graffiti, one of the graffiti symbols lights up. It’s a rune that’s about to explode.
    
85. The newspaper reports that every single McDonald's in the area has a working ice cream machine. It's deemed a miracle by many in the city. The newspaper credits it to hard-working corporate engineers who have perfected the cleaning and disinfection process. You, however, know the real reason. With some investigation, it turns out that the $1 $2 $3 dollar menu has a perfect storm spell coded into the registers. The codes for specific items, when entered in a specific sequence in a customer's order, are actually a conjuration spell that summons a Mimic, and, as we all know, Mimics have a fondness for soft serve.
    
86. Lightning/Electric elementals have found junction boxes to be tasty snacks causing blackouts around the city. Remove them so the engineers can fix the grid.
    
87. A minotaur has found the "Bull in a China shop" analogy to be racist and is now sitting in said shop and refuses to leave. The owner is distraught, and hesitant to say anything due to the red interior and the possibility of a fight breaking out. Remove the minotaur without causing any damage.
    
88. Pixies have found photo bombing models to be the new prank for anyone that wants to be popular. Here's a net, catch them and give them an alternative to photo bombing.
    
89. Vampires have been found in front of many Old Town homes, we believe that they are trying to either buy the home or enjoy the look of the neighborhood. In any case, the home owners want you to be there for protection while talking to the vampires.
    
90. There are cultists holding rallies in the park. I need you to separate out the ones that can do harm and the ones that are less likely to be harmful. Also they need permits to do that so every one of them gets a ticket.
    
91. Some wizard decided s/he was going to set up residence in the middle of the road. S/he said something about ley lines or some such being good there. Stop them from doing so and show them around town so they can find an alternative spot, they'll be a strong ally so work with them please.
    
92. Ratmen have been found in the subway system. In order for the population to not explode, I need you to organize them to some degree. Find a representative that can speak for them and bring them here so we can talk.